Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz

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I felt the need to get this out...

I knew I had said that I wished to remain happy, but I wanted to get this out before I can go on, and focus on everything I'd been ignoring for so long. My happiness, being one of them.

My odd and rather dramatic behavior has been due to feelings I had for someone who I believed to be my soul mate. Someone...who I've gotten more closer to then anyone else in my life. Someone who I trusted with my feelings, my fragile, battered and bruised heart, when it had already been kicked around not but a few weeks before I met him.

He seemed to need me, and I was more then happy to be there, comforting him, finding in him a kindred spirit, someone I could share my pain with, someone who be there for me. I was so blinded by my feelings, I neglected a lot of things in my life, I...avoided my friends, I could only think about him.

I loved him.

He was was having trouble with his boyfriend, and my heart wept for him, wondering how such a gentle and soft person could ever be treated so badly. I filled in the gap that his mate and friends left in his life, friends who made themselves scarce whenever he was feeling blue...or, least that's what I was told.

I don't want to make it sound like I think he's lying, but I've been lied too and deceived to so often in my life it will sound that way, so forgive me if it does, it's just a force of habit.

Anyway, as time went on, and I logged on nearly ever day to see how he was doing, we became closer. Through pictures and poetry which poured out from my very soul, I was there for him. I knew not how to say I loved him better then these ways, and oddly enough they seemed to work. We fell in love, finding we had everything from hobbies to fursuits to fantasys to even something as unlikely the same dream home in common! He told me he was leaving his boyfriend, and he and I made plans to meet next year in February. We talked of a life together even beyond that but...it wasn't meant to be.

I should've realized, given all the fantasys and dreams I've shared with people that have never come true before this, that these wouldn't come to pass either. But, well I was so much in love was blinded by it, and he'd earned my trust, something that's so very hard for me to give to anyone these days...he just took it, crumpled up into a ball, and threw it away.

I was patient and compassionate and caring when he needed me to be. But...when I needed that, when I needed emotional support, he barely ever gave it. He would just go quiet, leaving me to cry, making me feel terrible about feeling depressed. He basically made it seem like it was all right for him to feel sad, but it was not acceptable for me to feel that way. So...I either had to just deal with the silence, or force a smile on my face and go on as if everything was fine.

Am I guiltless of anything going wrong in this relationship? No...no, I got so upset at one point, I threatened to do away with myself. I bombarded him with messages when he wouldn't reply to me, desperately asking that he talk. That can get rather bothersome at some point. Maybe I could've been more understanding about him wanting to remain with his boyfriend after saying he wanted to be with me, saying he wouldn't leave me. I could've just...smiled and taken it, like I took everything else in silent suffering. But something snapped in me when I realized I didn't deserve this, I deserved better. A soul mate wouldn't treat me this way, hell a friend wouldn't treat me this way.

So...now, though it's hard, and I'm hurting, I have to get accustomed to the realization he never loved me as I wanted to be loved. I...have to get over being without someone I shared so much with, but who was lacking the one thing, I so desperately needed most of all in a friend...in a lover

Emotional support.

I'm sorry I have acted so...oddly the past couple of days. Nothing really excuses me, nothing excuses me from neglecting you all, my real friends, my real loved ones. I hope you can find a way to forgive me...again. I'm sorry that I've been this way, sorry that I let myself suffer from a severe case of tunnel vision. Why should I linger so much on one person who barely cares about me...when I have countless others who do to shower with attention? I'm sorry I forgot that.

All my love

Da Boz
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