Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz

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Left Behind

Dear Journal

Seems the only time I find my way to you is to gripe and moan about something that's troubling me, I hope you'll give me some credit that I've withheld opening the floodgates on you for at least a year or two. Suppose I've whined my way too much at FurAffinity as is and perhaps you felt neglected...suppose I should be recording happier times, better memories, but those need to real written preservation, as I always think of those, and I highly doubt I'll find my way back to re-read through them to remember, anymore then I'll come back to re-read my droning about how much stupid online crap is depressing me utterly...but, here we are again anyways.

Seems every time around this part of the year, I get feeling forgotten, tossed aside, and utterly abandoned by those who I thought cared about me. Besides that, I feel ignored, overlooked, unappreciated, and just an unwanted intruder looking through a chain-link fence to cliques and groups of people, who I think have similar interests and talent, being happy, being noticed, included, and all I can do is look, but not touch, not be apart of it.

People tell me this isn't the case, tell me, I've done no wrong when I ask them point blank, all the while I'm painfully aware that, even if I had done something wrong they'd simply not tell me, or they're simply to considerate to hurt my feelings and just openly admit that they've grown tired or bored of me. I'd confess I'm guilty of such things myself, such people sometimes I find I want little to nothing to do with after awhile. That I've grown apart, that we have nothing in common. Much as I hate it to be this way, seems the people I've just not the ambition to talk too want something to do with me, while the people I'd give my right foot to to notice me, show they give half a damn about my thoughts could care less about me, ignore me entirely after awhile...it's horribly shallow of me really, and, on second glance, it's something I imagine I need to improve on.

Still, when it comes to other artists I feel are my peers, or people who excite me and thrill me with the things they write, do or say, they eventually loose interest in me, if they had any real interest to begin with. more often then not I get the impression, on the rare occasions I talk to someone new, they're simply after free art...'oh, it'd be wonderful if you could draw me doing this or that!' and the only real reason they give me any scrap of their time is the possibility they'll get something in return. While at the same time, i see these same people throwing about their money like it's confetti to be tossed around on a whim to other artists. Lovely that they like my work enough to want it, just not enough to pay for it.

I miss my friendships with people...some artist, who've since become phenomenally popular, and busy with demanding projects and/or jobs, just don't have time for me, or, simply don't have the interest anymore. people I used to spend hours with just shooting the breeze, moving on with their lives and moving on with their art, while I'm just stuck in limbo and not making any real mark anywhere i the world.

I find myself writing these essays of notes to these people, just...absolutely pouring my heart out, and I'm lucky if I get maybe one sentence back, if I get any reply at all.

Though nobody tells me, I know perhaps, I need to be more outgoing, need to strive and work harder to gain peoples notice and regard. Popularity and recognition aren't things that're just dished out on a whim, much as I'd like them to be. For this reason, I've stepped up my art production to at least one picture a week, and I've been trying to keep up at it. For all my progress and submissions though, if anything...people notice and comment less and less. it's like...the harder I work, the less people care, while at the same time I see those around me getting much more notice.

People tell me it's the lack of pornography...well, that is the age-old attraction that brings 'em in in droves, isn't it? Not necessarily, least in my case. five years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything adult, anything showing more then just the suggestive...because it's not my thing, not what I'm into. I finally start, and it still doesn't do anything for how people notice or regard me. It's like...I'm just an intruder with that too 'oh, far betters artists then you have done this for much longer, you're just too late, nobody cares now.'

I just am not sure why I bother with anything, anywhere, even on here with communities, I see people going absolutely bonkers about what someone else has to say or show...yet when I post, I'm ignored entirely, even tumble weeds avoid my posts like the plague.

Mom has said it repeatedly, and few words I could hear have ever rung more true 'you're just a loner'.

Though I try and be outgoing and friendly on here, it's like...people can still read that vibe through whatever I say, they see it bold and clear in big black font 'avoid this guy, he's a nobody.'

I'm sounding horribly bitchy, I know, I've just had all these pent up frustrations...and believe me, I'm not generally an unhappy person, least not in real life. i don't really have anyone besides my mate, and he's all I really need, but when i come online sometimes I can't help but want and need a little notice, to connect with people, feel they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs in turn. I'm just not getting that these days...maybe I let all my grievances get in the way far too much, constantly thinking nobody cares. People love you when you're a spot of sunshine on their day, but if you mention anything of being distressed or upset...it's unlikely you'll ever feel you're anything but a bother to them afterwords.

I guess what this jumble of a complaint comes down to, is just feel left out, thrown away, and just not mattering enough to people that you're included in their daily ritual anymore. I know it sounds overly dramatic, I get started and I just can't stop, I'll ask for your forgiveness much as I ask it of myself for feeling this way.

I hope things improve, but with the years stretching onwards, and people online just moving farther and farther away from with each passing season...I can only see it getting worse. I best either learn to stop caring entirely, or somehow figure out that magical formula that makes people like you and want to listen and respond to what you have to say and show.

But after 10 some odd years of trying...I'm not very sure I'm liable to ever figure it out.
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