Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz
da_boz

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SMILE DAMMIT!

Hey gang

Well I've had little ambition to update this, but I felt I should, as I do have a few good things to report, and the usual things still bothering me in some way or another.

We'll go through the bad first...

My Job coach quit on me last Thursday, or, well more accurately she called it 'Case Exiting', but to me it still means 'I'm giving up on you'. The depression I went through after that was the worse I've had in a very long time. I spent allot of time trying to drown out my sorrows putting away Christmas decorations, but it did little good. Worst of all I hurt the one I love so dearly, but...well we got through that, as we get through everything together.

I realize I complained allot about her, but given that jobs are so hard to obtain, and job leads just as tough to find, it was nice to have someone there for me to help me, to at least know I was TRYING. Even if I never found anything, just trying made me feel like I was at least doing something. But, she said because I've been rather 'teary' lately as she put it, she thinks it'd be best I focused on my therapy. Perhaps if she hadn't started nearly yelling at me all the time I wouldn't have been so 'teary' as she put it. But either way, I'm on my own again in regards to finding work.

I'm mourning over the loss of a few friends, I don't loose them the way I used to, when I let my temper get the better of me (although that might still happen once in a blue moon) Now it seems well...I loose them in different ways. It still hurts though, and though I feel a lot of pain I can't speak to some of them anymore, I found it even more painful talking to them. There's just certain people, the things they do or say that I can't seem to put up with. I guess that's natural, but I still feel bad about it for a long time, blaming myself...if I was different, maybe we could still be freinds. The saddest thing is, I sometimes wonder if they feel as much sorrow about it as I do. Seems to me that, from experience they could care less in the long run...I read their journals.

I guess the biggest thing right now, is sadness and frustration that I won't be able to be with my loved one as soon as I had hoped. I would go and be with him tomorrow, if I could. But...I have a lot of stuff I need to take care of here still, so maybe it is for the best. Stuff that usually seems to fall around in the winter months, until spring begins its reign. It's looking possible I may have to wait until the weather is warmer to be with him.

We keep talking of it as a visit, but I think If I go, I'll never come back...


The good things.

I'm doing better then I was a year ago, when I was suffering from allot of upper back problems. All the stretches I do really seem to help, though, it's hard to get going on them sometimes, especially with how cold it is. But all in all I don't do too badly.

I've gotten back into drawing, as well as inking and coloring. I might even finish a few commissions, as well as some trades. I'm really excited about the great response I got for my latest work, makes me forget all about the days I used to worry and obsess over how few comments I felt I was getting. People really like me...not just for my art, but for me. I can feel that in the things they say, the comments aren't all meaningless and empty remarks anymore. They have feeling behind them, and I really like that.

...the only problem is, I'd like to reply to each one, but there are so many!

I'm making allot of headway getting rid of things, I think as my mom often tells me, I am suffering from sever pack-rat syndrome. This is especially evident in the fact that...uh, well, I keep a lot of stuff I haven't used in years, and some of its the kinda stuff you'd just throw away! So...anyway, lame as it is I'm happy I'm making some room in my bedroom.

I haven't been up to much offline, aside from putting away decorations (another thing I'm doing a pretty good job of weeding out...thank GOD.) But me and mom went to a really huge indoor garage sale at the dome. That was so much fun, it got a little boring near the end though. But there was this one lady who had a mess of wind-ups from the 80's, and I went bonkers. I also picked up this really funny statue of a lion with a big angry grin and the caption 'Smile, Dammit!' on the base. She had a HUGE collection of those like, oh god I'm not sure what they're called, but they were those carved ivory motivational statues produced by American greetings in the 1970's and 80's (the one which you may recall being a guy with his arms outstretched and the caption 'I love you THIS much' on the base.) Most of them had a lot of sexual references oddly enough, there was this one of a really gritty, cigar smoking guy that had 'everything's better with SEX!' on his base which I wanted too. But...well, I couldn't get that without having to have had to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions from mother dearest, so I stuck with the lion.



Finally...I feel I'm doing a little better, I'll be back in a couple of weeks bitching about stuff though I imagine. I'm only saying this because, well, we're hosting the family party here this year on the 21st of this month and...god I'm dreading that so much. I hate most of the members on my dads family, those who don't make me feel somewhat worthless, simply outright ignore me. So...not sure which is the worse of two evils. My Cousins and Aunt are pretty cool, but seeing them is still overshadowed by the wicked bitch of the west my Uncle is married too. One of these days I'm going to tell that woman off, or at least ask her what exactly crawled up her ass and died there, and when the hell will she get it removed so I don't have to put up with her crap anymore...

Ah well

All my love

PS Oh I uploaded some pics I took of my room with it decorated, but I'm not sure uh...do you guys know how to get to my gallery? They should all be viewable, if not just let me know and I'll just post them right here.
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