Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz

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New year, same low expectations

I guess I don't really have allot to say about the new year as of yet, I was hoping maybe something fantastical or wonderful would've happened in the first few days but...well, so far it's the same old thing. I remember a time when new years used to mean something, when new years would actually feel like...well, NEW years! Now they're just kinda the same, '06 problems carry themselves into '07, as well as the worries. Hm...if I didn't have all those people out there who cared about me I think I'd have gone mental by now. And, well I mean more mental then I already am folks.

Hmm...wish I could make some new years resolutions, but I can't really bring myself to put my wishes down on paper, or in this case the computer screen. I try not to get my hopes up about stuff, because I know I'll just be let down, and get all depressed about it. "oh, I didn't get to do this, I didn't have enough money to do that." Hum...*reads over all the happy journals about people expressing all the wonderful things that've already happened for them this year, and sighs softly, frowning as his ears droop*

I've mostly spent my time taking down Christmas stuff, my room is nearly done, and got all the outside stuff done. I'm kind of annoyed though, i end up doing all the decorating on my own...which I enjoy, don't get me wrong. But it used to be mom would at least help me, now she doesn't even bother. She's rather play with the dog or read those stupid magna books of hers. And on a side note I'm really not happy with that dog lately, he goes ballistic every time someone comes to the door, nearly knocked over the tree on two occasions. I work my ass off trying to make the thing look nice and he ruins it in a matter of seconds...

Oh, shoot...i just hate this house and everything in it sometimes.

I don't want to complain to much but...oh, it just bugs me, i work so hard to make things nice here, and she lets the dog ruin them all the time. I keep telling myself year after year I won't bother putting stuff up if this is going continue, but I always seem to anyway. I keep hoping, Christmas after bloody Christmas I won't be here anymore, been wishing that for the past four years...and I'm always stuck here, year after stupid pointless year...I HATE it here, I hate everything about this place.

I wish...I wish, year after year, just one little good thing would happen, just one little good thing. I sometimes think maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I just don't deserve good things to happen to me, like other people do. I've tried to improve myself, I'm not the screaming monster I used to be...but maybe it's not enough? Maybe I'm still not a good enough person to enjoy some of the things other people enjoy all the time, things they take for granted.

I wish I had somebody to talk to in person, someone who really cared, not some...emotionless therapist who looks more at his computer screen then he does me. Not a parent who takes everything I say so lightly and...laughs when i get upset. Maybe I just...maybe I just need to accept things as they are, and not see them improving. it's been so many years now with so little improvement, I just don't see things ever getting better.

*curls up into a ball on the floor, sighing softly as he stared off into space* I just don't know...I don't know anymore, about anything.
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