Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz
da_boz

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Freak of nature.

it's Christmas eve, and I feel I should be happy...but I feel I have so little reason to be.
I know I have people who love me, I know I have those who're thinking of me...but at the same time, I know I
have those who I have hurt, those whose trust I have broken, and those who just...have written me off as an absolute freak of nature,
a lunatic, a hysterical psychopath...and they're right, they're all right.

I ruined anything good I have going on in my life, with my own insecurities and paranoia.
Everyones out tog et me I think, everyones out to hurt me. I know I had a rough
childhood, where everyone did abuse my trust, where I was teased and mocked for my appearance...
but the time has long since passed where I can use that as a crutch. I currently am getting help
but it seems to be doing me little good, I'm still the same horrible person, least...I am to some people.
Hoe can I expect to have a real, meaningful relationship with anybody, if I keep ruining so many of them...

I've been dropped by at least five to six people, all with comments of 'freak of nature' and 'you need help', along with the stinging words
of one person in particular, a local Rochester fur, who just said I was basically mentally insane...only, taking many, many...many many paragraphs to do it.

so...now, when I want to be watching Christmas movies, and making things, I'm curled up on the floor, crying hysterically...wondering if I'll ever get better, wondering if I'll ever be
able to control myself, and stop being so selfish, and paranoid, and horrible...and just a freak.


I just want to die here, I really do, I just want to. But I know I'm too cowardly to do it, much as I like to make threats to sound dramatic, attention starved at that particular time, or just trying to make someone feel bad
it's all a load of absolute shit, which I'm full of. And another thing, who am I to bitch about people being able to afford Wii? So
they're not whinny little baby's who quite a job after only three days because, oh...the people aren't nice!
Well boo hoo, that's life, and I should've kept going in, getting treated like crap, because it's what I deserve...I deserve to be treated like garbage, god knows I've treated other people enough
to deserve that.

Anyway...

I love you all, even if some of you reading this, may not love me...or may even hate me by now.

I just...want you to have a Merry Christmas, as much as I want to be with some of you right now...one person in particular, I can't
I can't risk hurting anymore people, I can't risk being told I'm a horrible psycho who's in desperate need of help, even if it's true...
I can't, please forgive me...but I can't...I can't do it, I'm sorry...I can't log on anymore, I can't be online anymore...it hurts too much.
It's too easy for me to be something I'm not...I'm not a raving lunatic who snaps at people, I'm a shy quiet person who'd sooner be beaten to a bloody pup then ever raise his voice to another.
But no one gets to see that side, they only get to see my thoughts, my thoughts that run away and end up hurting people. I don't want anyone seeing that person anymore...that's not me...nobody will ever get to see the real me, because the online me keeps fucking everything up.

I'm sorry...I'm sorry....

Forgive me...
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