Da Boz (da_boz) wrote,
Da Boz

Screaming and crying

I wish I knew how to start this, wish I knew what to say, how can I say everything on my mind to you, how can I put it into words.

I am worthless

never in my life, and admittedly I've felt it a lot, have I ever felt so unwanted, so useless, so insignificant and worthless. I have no use in life, I have no reason for being here...all I do is make people feel bad, all I do is chase people away, make them hate me, as they should...everyone should hate me, it's easier then putting up with me for any amount of time. Just cut out the middle man and hate me, just like everyone used to do at school. Never bothered to get to know me, just hated me, that's how life should be for me.

Oh he's being hard on himself again, that's what you may be thinking. Truth is I'm not being nearly hard enough on myself, and I'll tell you why.

I'm too damn sensitive, if one or two people could put up with that I'd not think twice about it, but nobody can. If I admit to being hurt, I'm scolded, yelled at, attacked, and shut out...don't admit you're sad, don't admit you're hurting, that's rule one.

Rule two is just give people what they want, don't hold back on anything, even if it scares you, makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter. If you have a shot at being with someone you just give him what he wants. Even if he ignores you at parties, yells at you in the car, calls you names, disappoints you in every way humanly possible...it's better then being alone, I should've stayed where I was, now no one else will desire me.

I'm tired, so tired, I'm myself, but nobody wants that person, nobody wants all the emotional baggage that comes with knowing me. If you still think I'm being too hard on myself, try talking to the people who've gotten sick of me, if I can't change you're mind they certainly can. I could spend an eternity listing the names of people who I've chased away, never meaning to, never wanting to...

I hate being alone, I hate it...no one wants me, I don't care what anyone says, I know the truth, I know what's real. Nobody wants to listen to me unless I pay them a large amount of money, and right now I don't have it...I don't have it.

I don't have anything worthwhile to give anybody.

Yes...doppleganger I broke another promise, seems I break everything...promises, friendships, hearts, trust...I'm horrible, I agree with you and Deltavious, and everyone else who must think it...half of them are probably reading this and shaking their heads, adding up all the issues I must have in their heads.

Why does everyone hate me...why does everyone hurt me...I let them, it's my own fault, it has to be. Everyone else is getting along so wonderfully with people in their lives, it's because I'm so fucked up nobody can stand me, not even people with the same interests. It's all my fault, it's always my fault, it's always been my fault, i know it is...i deserve everything I get, i know I do.

*With nothing more to say he gets down on his knees, screaming as the tears pour down his face. His body trembling his lays on the ground, screaming and crying, screaming and crying...*
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