I think this is without a doubt, the worst bout of depression I've ever had in my life. And of course, constant bad occurrences in life hasn't helped much. talking to people on line has helped me a little to forget what's bothering me, and even if i am still upset I rarely will ever vocalize it. It's easier to pretend to be happy then it is being truthful about feeling like utter crap, so if you want to know how I'm truly feeling half the time, well, this is the place.
I'll start by reporting my week started out rather good, after a stressful Sunday night I woke up the next morning feeling just as sick, but after time I managed to calm down. It was a very warm day so I took several walks, and even managed to set up the Halloween stuff outdoors. When I'm feeling a little better I'll post some pics up of it. Unfortunately though, Mondays cheers as well as its warm weather didn't carry on onto Tuesday. Tuesday was in a word, very hard, and if it wasn't for keeping myself busy doing some pictures for a very dear friend I think I just would've broken down several times.
Being back more frequently on FA is already beginning to wear me down again though, I like all the interest show in my fursonas but other stuff around there just really gnaws at me. For instance, the fact that I like had done at least 15 of those 'survey' questionnaires, and maybe only three people bothered to reply to my comments. Makes me wonder why I bothered spending all that time and care into them if the person who I was doing it for wasn't really interested in what I had to say. I'm just sick of being ignored by people around there, people I try to make friends with. I've been the best person I know how to be and they still don't want anything to do with me. Makes me wonder why I bother, if my kind self can't even make any new friends what's the point of trying. I'm beginning to wonder why I post anything on there anyway...But I wouldn't say that there, nor will I, as everyone will just label me as a whinny little prick. Maybe I am, oh, I know I am I guess. I wish I didn't care about being ignored all the time by some of these people but it does bother me, I take it very personally.
The Job search hasn't been going that well either, and my Job coach has been somewhat short with me as of late. She didn't like the idea of me moving at all, said I should stay around Rochester. I told her truthfully that I don't like this area, I don't like its weather, I don't like its lack of jobs, and...well i hate everything about living here, though I tried to be polite about it, seeing on how she works here and all. She said I haven't been trying hard enough to find work lately, that i need to make reasons to stay here. That upset me very much, I've been busting my ass to find work, even when we're not meeting I'm always looking. And it's gotten very hard because of the depression because i don't even want to bother, what with the rotten luck I've had. Frankly I'm almost tempted to go out on it alone again, I don't even want to see her after our last meeting. I've been seeing her for a year and the best thing I found under her wing was a job that lasted barely two months since it was seasonal.
This is no way to make a living, I just want to move. I want to find a fur with some space to spare anywhere in this country and just pack up and move. I don't care about leaving behind my stuff anymore, I don't care about possessions anymore. I want to be able to afford to go out and meet people, to make friends, to be around folks more often. I just don't believe anymore that I'll be able to do that here. I'm a hard worker, I always have been, I'm passionate about what I do...I need to be someplace where that actually still MEANS something, and Rochester, NY isn't that place. It hasn't been for a very long time.
Finally, in regards to the Furfright trip I'm considering not even going, seems too much of a hassle to bother with, and I really don't know if I'd have enough money to sustain me for the few days it's on. I know a lot of folks would probably help me out but...well, I hate being a charity case. I'm sure people ten times more broke then I are perfectly happy not doing anything at all and staying home most of the time. I just don't know, given my situation if I'd ever be able to pay these people back. I want to go, I want to so badly but...I just don't know. Is it even worth it, I mean, what kind of impression will I make on people? Will they like me? Will they think I'm a snob if I'm too shy? Why would anyone in their right mind want to hang around with me anyway? Not to question some peoples sanity, heh, I just really wonder sometimes. But...we'll see, I have to talk to a local fur some more about it if I haven't scared him off yet with my odd behavior.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is turning out to be so long, just woke up feeling rather crummy and needed to vent. All my mornings have been that way, and it takes a lot of hard work to just get out of bed and hope some small thing that will occur during the day will make getting up worthwhile. Yes, I admit those things do happen, they happen in the people I speak to on line, they happen in the notes and letters I receive. They happen in the walks I take, the pictures I draw, and the books I read. Those may be very trivial joys to most, but to me they're everything.