Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Da Boz's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 18th, 2007
11:25 am	WoW - Wretchedly Obtuse World I fucking hate WoW… Normaly, I don’t really like to rant…oh hell who am I kidding, I love to rant. But this made me kind of angry, I found out recently two or three more people have been sucked into that stupid online game, hence why I haven’t seen them in awhile. Now, I’m hardly one to complain about people being away, I’m away so often myself leaving people to wonder where I am. But I’m off having a LIFE at least, looking for work, getting exercise, helping mom out with stuff around the house as dads off doing contract work. I’m so utterly sick of people neglecting their friends over this game, back when my frusona was an orc, I last every single solitary person I chatted to online because of that game, as they played orcs too. Am I bitter? Hell YES I’m bitter, should I be? Most likely not, but when people start valuing a dumbass made up world more then they value their friends feelings…then I’m sorry, you’re despicable excuses for human beings who should be run over by a soccer team all wearing cleats… *sighs, growling angrily* god I hate how insensitive people can be, I’ve lost more friends over tat game then anything I’ve ever said and done in all my years of knowing people and getting snappy at them from time to time. Makes me wonder what the point of improving myself is, if it’s not one thing driving people away, it’s another… Anyway…*tires to calm a little* I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t bother me so, and make me feel so angry, but it really, really does. Doesn’t one singular solitary person who plays stuff like that realize or care that there’s someone missing them, talking to them? No…I suppose it never even occurred to them…god forbid You WoW people suck. -Boz Current Mood: enraged Current Music: Ordinary Wolrd - Duran, Duran (17 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
9:18 am	SMILE DAMMIT! Hey gang Well I've had little ambition to update this, but I felt I should, as I do have a few good things to report, and the usual things still bothering me in some way or another. We'll go through the bad first... My Job coach quit on me last Thursday, or, well more accurately she called it 'Case Exiting', but to me it still means 'I'm giving up on you'. The depression I went through after that was the worse I've had in a very long time. I spent allot of time trying to drown out my sorrows putting away Christmas decorations, but it did little good. Worst of all I hurt the one I love so dearly, but...well we got through that, as we get through everything together. I realize I complained allot about her, but given that jobs are so hard to obtain, and job leads just as tough to find, it was nice to have someone there for me to help me, to at least know I was TRYING. Even if I never found anything, just trying made me feel like I was at least doing something. But, she said because I've been rather 'teary' lately as she put it, she thinks it'd be best I focused on my therapy. Perhaps if she hadn't started nearly yelling at me all the time I wouldn't have been so 'teary' as she put it. But either way, I'm on my own again in regards to finding work. I'm mourning over the loss of a few friends, I don't loose them the way I used to, when I let my temper get the better of me (although that might still happen once in a blue moon) Now it seems well...I loose them in different ways. It still hurts though, and though I feel a lot of pain I can't speak to some of them anymore, I found it even more painful talking to them. There's just certain people, the things they do or say that I can't seem to put up with. I guess that's natural, but I still feel bad about it for a long time, blaming myself...if I was different, maybe we could still be freinds. The saddest thing is, I sometimes wonder if they feel as much sorrow about it as I do. Seems to me that, from experience they could care less in the long run...I read their journals. I guess the biggest thing right now, is sadness and frustration that I won't be able to be with my loved one as soon as I had hoped. I would go and be with him tomorrow, if I could. But...I have a lot of stuff I need to take care of here still, so maybe it is for the best. Stuff that usually seems to fall around in the winter months, until spring begins its reign. It's looking possible I may have to wait until the weather is warmer to be with him. We keep talking of it as a visit, but I think If I go, I'll never come back... The good things. I'm doing better then I was a year ago, when I was suffering from allot of upper back problems. All the stretches I do really seem to help, though, it's hard to get going on them sometimes, especially with how cold it is. But all in all I don't do too badly. I've gotten back into drawing, as well as inking and coloring. I might even finish a few commissions, as well as some trades. I'm really excited about the great response I got for my latest work, makes me forget all about the days I used to worry and obsess over how few comments I felt I was getting. People really like me...not just for my art, but for me. I can feel that in the things they say, the comments aren't all meaningless and empty remarks anymore. They have feeling behind them, and I really like that. ...the only problem is, I'd like to reply to each one, but there are so many! I'm making allot of headway getting rid of things, I think as my mom often tells me, I am suffering from sever pack-rat syndrome. This is especially evident in the fact that...uh, well, I keep a lot of stuff I haven't used in years, and some of its the kinda stuff you'd just throw away! So...anyway, lame as it is I'm happy I'm making some room in my bedroom. I haven't been up to much offline, aside from putting away decorations (another thing I'm doing a pretty good job of weeding out...thank GOD.) But me and mom went to a really huge indoor garage sale at the dome. That was so much fun, it got a little boring near the end though. But there was this one lady who had a mess of wind-ups from the 80's, and I went bonkers. I also picked up this really funny statue of a lion with a big angry grin and the caption 'Smile, Dammit!' on the base. She had a HUGE collection of those like, oh god I'm not sure what they're called, but they were those carved ivory motivational statues produced by American greetings in the 1970's and 80's (the one which you may recall being a guy with his arms outstretched and the caption 'I love you THIS much' on the base.) Most of them had a lot of sexual references oddly enough, there was this one of a really gritty, cigar smoking guy that had 'everything's better with SEX!' on his base which I wanted too. But...well, I couldn't get that without having to have had to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions from mother dearest, so I stuck with the lion. Finally...I feel I'm doing a little better, I'll be back in a couple of weeks bitching about stuff though I imagine. I'm only saying this because, well, we're hosting the family party here this year on the 21st of this month and...god I'm dreading that so much. I hate most of the members on my dads family, those who don't make me feel somewhat worthless, simply outright ignore me. So...not sure which is the worse of two evils. My Cousins and Aunt are pretty cool, but seeing them is still overshadowed by the wicked bitch of the west my Uncle is married too. One of these days I'm going to tell that woman off, or at least ask her what exactly crawled up her ass and died there, and when the hell will she get it removed so I don't have to put up with her crap anymore... Ah well All my love PS Oh I uploaded some pics I took of my room with it decorated, but I'm not sure uh...do you guys know how to get to my gallery? They should all be viewable, if not just let me know and I'll just post them right here. Current Mood: excited Current Music: 'Cum on feel the noize' - Quiet Riot (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 4th, 2007
4:19 am	New year, same low expectations I guess I don't really have allot to say about the new year as of yet, I was hoping maybe something fantastical or wonderful would've happened in the first few days but...well, so far it's the same old thing. I remember a time when new years used to mean something, when new years would actually feel like...well, NEW years! Now they're just kinda the same, '06 problems carry themselves into '07, as well as the worries. Hm...if I didn't have all those people out there who cared about me I think I'd have gone mental by now. And, well I mean more mental then I already am folks. Hmm...wish I could make some new years resolutions, but I can't really bring myself to put my wishes down on paper, or in this case the computer screen. I try not to get my hopes up about stuff, because I know I'll just be let down, and get all depressed about it. "oh, I didn't get to do this, I didn't have enough money to do that." Hum...*reads over all the happy journals about people expressing all the wonderful things that've already happened for them this year, and sighs softly, frowning as his ears droop* I've mostly spent my time taking down Christmas stuff, my room is nearly done, and got all the outside stuff done. I'm kind of annoyed though, i end up doing all the decorating on my own...which I enjoy, don't get me wrong. But it used to be mom would at least help me, now she doesn't even bother. She's rather play with the dog or read those stupid magna books of hers. And on a side note I'm really not happy with that dog lately, he goes ballistic every time someone comes to the door, nearly knocked over the tree on two occasions. I work my ass off trying to make the thing look nice and he ruins it in a matter of seconds... Oh, shoot...i just hate this house and everything in it sometimes. I don't want to complain to much but...oh, it just bugs me, i work so hard to make things nice here, and she lets the dog ruin them all the time. I keep telling myself year after year I won't bother putting stuff up if this is going continue, but I always seem to anyway. I keep hoping, Christmas after bloody Christmas I won't be here anymore, been wishing that for the past four years...and I'm always stuck here, year after stupid pointless year...I HATE it here, I hate everything about this place. I wish...I wish, year after year, just one little good thing would happen, just one little good thing. I sometimes think maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I just don't deserve good things to happen to me, like other people do. I've tried to improve myself, I'm not the screaming monster I used to be...but maybe it's not enough? Maybe I'm still not a good enough person to enjoy some of the things other people enjoy all the time, things they take for granted. I wish I had somebody to talk to in person, someone who really cared, not some...emotionless therapist who looks more at his computer screen then he does me. Not a parent who takes everything I say so lightly and...laughs when i get upset. Maybe I just...maybe I just need to accept things as they are, and not see them improving. it's been so many years now with so little improvement, I just don't see things ever getting better. *curls up into a ball on the floor, sighing softly as he stared off into space* I just don't know...I don't know anymore, about anything. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: 'Seize the Night' - Meat loaf (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 28th, 2006
11:07 pm	Holiday Limbo Hey... Well, after a rather stressful Christmas holiday, I thought I'd update all of you on what's been going on with me lately. Christmas was okay, I didn't get very much but, I was too depressed to care so it all balanced out rather well. I did get a DVD player, which...well, would've been nice, but it won't plug into my stone age tv set. I hooked it up to my VCR, but because it's hooked up through the VCR, it won't play any dvds right until I get one of those little boxes that allows you to hook up the dvd to the TV itself, or get a new TV. Since I can't afford either right now and I'm not about to ask my parents to get me one due to guilt issues, I didn't get a dvd player so much as a really thin paper weight that blinks and greets me when I turn it on. Today, I went grocery shopping for my mom, since she was off with my dad visiting my brother...I don't tend to come along, and, well I feel like the most horrible brother in the entire universe because I don't. For those of you who don't know it, he has cerebral palsy, and is in a home a good few hours drive away from here. I can't remember the last time I went to visit him, after awhile I wondered what the point was...and I feel horrible about it, I probably should've gone... As if I wasn't feeling guilty enough, I ended up somehow losing $20 of the $60 mom gave me for grocerys. I still managed to get everything on the list, but I was so distraught, I was in tears over it. Mom and dad could care less, but I feel awful, that's $20 dollars they could've used to pay bills or something...and I just lost it somehow. Even when i try to help out I end up doing things wrong, seems I just can't win lately. Maybe I should take $20 out of my savings...I was saving up to take a trip, but I don't know what the point is anymore, I can't imagine anyone wanting me to be anywhere near them sometimes. I'll just be happy when Christmas is over, I've already started taking things down, I just can't stand looking at the decorations anymore, I don't even know why I bothered putting them up in the first place. I have taken pics though, and as soon as I'm feeling better, maybe I'll post them. but with the way things have been going I can't see my mood improving at all. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy, not to be melodramatic, but a person has to wonder when just about everything in his life even remotely good goes wrong...and as much as I try and fix things, i can't. Lastly, might as well end on a good note, I got about 13 Christmas cards after sending about 30 or so out, I wasn't really even expecting to get one back, nor would I have minded much. I was just happy at the time to send them out to people, and I'm glad I got it done when I did, because if I'd have had to have done them now I'm not sure I could. I still have to drag myself over to FA and thank everyone for that, but I can't seem to find the ambition to do it...hopefully in a few days, I will. I guess that's it really, not looking forward to the new year at all...as, I feel it'll be as pointless and miserable as the last few have been. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but can you blame me? I haven't had a steady job since '03...I've been pretty much useless since then. -Da Boz PS. Thanks to all of those who replied to my Christmas eve journal, I was very grateful for that. It means allot to know so many people care about me, when I really, really need it...and...I don't have to beg you for it, I don't have to plead you for that compassion, you give it without any prompting. Thank you... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: 'Love' - John Lennon (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
5:14 pm	Heart of glass I miss my kitty how can I express how much I yearn for him through so much unrest every day I think of him as the hours and days pass it makes a man grow weary of his heart made of glass I wish I wasn't so fragile That Ii could weather each storm and at times I am wishing a heart of stone were I born with a heart made of stone I'd be so much stronger, so tough I'd not fall to pieces when things became rough I'd not let the tears flow over small insignificant transgressions I'd not loose my temper over paranoid obsessions so, now as I wait for his heart to heal I try so very hard to just ignore what I feel To wait for him to come to me instead of the other way 'round because it's so difficult when a soul mate I've found I hope he still loves me as he knows I love him and I hope with a new year a stronger relationship will begin ...I miss you kitty. Current Music: Journey - 'Open Arms'
Monday, December 25th, 2006
2:49 am	Freak of nature. it's Christmas eve, and I feel I should be happy...but I feel I have so little reason to be. I know I have people who love me, I know I have those who're thinking of me...but at the same time, I know I have those who I have hurt, those whose trust I have broken, and those who just...have written me off as an absolute freak of nature, a lunatic, a hysterical psychopath...and they're right, they're all right. I ruined anything good I have going on in my life, with my own insecurities and paranoia. Everyones out tog et me I think, everyones out to hurt me. I know I had a rough childhood, where everyone did abuse my trust, where I was teased and mocked for my appearance... but the time has long since passed where I can use that as a crutch. I currently am getting help but it seems to be doing me little good, I'm still the same horrible person, least...I am to some people. Hoe can I expect to have a real, meaningful relationship with anybody, if I keep ruining so many of them... I've been dropped by at least five to six people, all with comments of 'freak of nature' and 'you need help', along with the stinging words of one person in particular, a local Rochester fur, who just said I was basically mentally insane...only, taking many, many...many many paragraphs to do it. so...now, when I want to be watching Christmas movies, and making things, I'm curled up on the floor, crying hysterically...wondering if I'll ever get better, wondering if I'll ever be able to control myself, and stop being so selfish, and paranoid, and horrible...and just a freak. I just want to die here, I really do, I just want to. But I know I'm too cowardly to do it, much as I like to make threats to sound dramatic, attention starved at that particular time, or just trying to make someone feel bad it's all a load of absolute shit, which I'm full of. And another thing, who am I to bitch about people being able to afford Wii? So they're not whinny little baby's who quite a job after only three days because, oh...the people aren't nice! Well boo hoo, that's life, and I should've kept going in, getting treated like crap, because it's what I deserve...I deserve to be treated like garbage, god knows I've treated other people enough to deserve that. Anyway... I love you all, even if some of you reading this, may not love me...or may even hate me by now. I just...want you to have a Merry Christmas, as much as I want to be with some of you right now...one person in particular, I can't I can't risk hurting anymore people, I can't risk being told I'm a horrible psycho who's in desperate need of help, even if it's true... I can't, please forgive me...but I can't...I can't do it, I'm sorry...I can't log on anymore, I can't be online anymore...it hurts too much. It's too easy for me to be something I'm not...I'm not a raving lunatic who snaps at people, I'm a shy quiet person who'd sooner be beaten to a bloody pup then ever raise his voice to another. But no one gets to see that side, they only get to see my thoughts, my thoughts that run away and end up hurting people. I don't want anyone seeing that person anymore...that's not me...nobody will ever get to see the real me, because the online me keeps fucking everything up. I'm sorry...I'm sorry.... Forgive me... Current Mood: sick Current Music: I've Tried Everything -Eurythmics (16 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 18th, 2006
2:39 pm	Gah, my face is gonna explode... Hey Gang Well, I guess it's time for an update on how I am, with the job and...well everything. Not sure ho to start, you'll have to forgive me as my sinuses are really bothering me this morning, having a hard time concentrating. If I didn't know better I'd swear the meds the doctor prescribe me the second time I had to see here about this stupid problem were only making it worse, as my whole face feels horrible... But anyway, my griping aside, I'm very sorry to report the job didn't work out for me. I was putting off saying anything about this for fear of disappointing everyone, because, well...everyone seemed to happy for me. But due to the hours, and the people being utterly wretched to me (I was near tears at least one night but I'm a fragile crybaby what can I say :-p) I just couldn't see sticking with it. Plus I was getting in my old habit of snapping at people left and right and I didn't want to go through all THAT again, so...anyway I left, and actually been feeling quite better (well, with the exception of these sinuses, jeez...feels like there's a boulder on my entire face.) But...a little sad as I won't have as much money as I was hoping for for Christmas. Oh well...fourth one in a row I've been broke I'm getting kind of used to it. In other news, all my Christmas cards are just about sent, all on their way, hoping they arrive before Christmas. I think I sent well over 30 to various furs I know well, and others that I don't really know at all but who wanted a card anyway, heh. So I thought, well hey, it's Christmas, I got a box of over 32 cards...several actually, cards for everybody! In each card I attempted to try and draw the persons fursona, or if they didn't have one (or I was just feeling lazy the time I was doing the card) I drew Boz. Some of the later cards even have hand painted water color images...I was feeling creative that night, so I hope the earlier card recipients won't feel stiffed. I don't think I've ever sent out so many cards in all my life, maybe one or two tops, but mostly for associates, never friends so...anyway, despite being congested half the time that was a lot of fun. I've gotten 5 in return so far which I'm really over the moon about, as I was only expecting maybe one or two returned tops. This Christmas hasn't bee too bad, it's gone better then last year despite all the sinus troubles, as then in '05 I was dealing with a lot of upper back problems. I still am now but they're no big concern these days, just a mild annoyance now and then. Last night I went to a whole uh...hm, how to describe this, well a Christmas activity with my former supervisor at the library I used to work. It was a museum of sorts, but not a regular one, it was a museum of old houses in and old village type setting, with real buildings dating back from the 18th and 19th century. Very cool...well, for lame furs like me who're interested in that type of crap. Anyway, they had actors in various houses and shops playing out scenes from the era before, during, and after the civil war. Was quite good, i can remember we went to this in '04 as well and the acting was horrid. I want to give the people credit I know they were trying, but...ugh, it was so forced, it sounded like they were reading from a book in school that they found really dull and were feigning enthusiasm about it. This year wasn't like that, very realistic... I haven't one much else in Christmas activities, haven't been into watching those Christmas videos as much as I normally am, I find myself just watching 'Mystery Science Theater' all the time...hehe, I must have watched 'red zone cuba' at least 50 times and I still laugh when crow comments after one of the actors who says “we must not be caught on the beach...” then crow adds, in a very gay voice “...especially with my thighs” I just laugh and laugh...I love that show, wish I could afford some of the dvds, my videos are getting so worn the sounds all warbled. Anyway, I think that's it for updates until after Christmas, I'll certainly be back bitching about how little I received again (mom spoiled me way back in the Christmas of '95, and I still haven't gotten over how minuscule my hauls have been since then...) Yes I'm a spoiled brat among many other things, I admit it. Anyway, if I don't talk to you before the big day, Merry Christmas all. All my love -Da Boz Current Mood: okay Current Music: 'Blue Christmas' - Elvis (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 11th, 2006
3:26 pm	So sick of you *sighs softly* I let my anger get the better of me again, as I've been very stressed lately, between a job I'm starting, which is a bit longer hours I'm used too, so much paper work and meetings all amounting to absolutely nothing, and the loss of the health insurance that I'd somehow miraculously gotten (the only good thing that came out of maybe the 10 things I applied for this past summer regarding my emotional and physical needs) I'm just, slowly crumbling lately. I try not to let it show, but it's been eating at me more often then usual, and I'm far more sensitive, quick to assume and bothered by things that I would normally be very understanding about. I just don't know what to do...I don't want everyone to hate me, I'm working on getting on some meds but...god, I can't throw pills at this and think it magically fix everything. I just don't know what else to do! Any other options I have aren't working out, and it's not like I can move anytime soon. God I'm so lonely...I wish furs nearby would at least talk to me, they all hate me too, everyone around here hates me. They never talk to me, I wish I lived someplace where the furs would like me...they all seem to live in Florida. Anyway...*deep breath, trying not to cry* I wrote this poem shortly after reading a friends journal and...well it speaks for itself. I just want to get away from here...someone just take me away from here...please... You've hurt another feeling your last I hope to say you're terrible and unthinking were you simply born that way? Or was it imprinted into you through abuse lies and deceptions Or are you just mad at the world and its many misconceptions You're heartless and unfeeling I wonder if you even own a soul so often you blame your actions on your lack of self control Well, other people hurt too, you know other people feel the pain but you don't see them throwing fits don't see them break under the strain and so I tell you now what I've said so much before you can't go on this way they can't take it anymore Can't take your assumptions and anger and the words you choose to use and if you haven't guessed it already I'm just so sick of you I'd kill you if you could Rid the word of your disease You're no good for anyone out there Here or across the seas You've nothing good to offer You're full of bitterness and spite Resentment, hatred and jealousy I could go on into the night But in case you are still wondering who the person I'm referring to could be The person I'm so sick of Is the angry side of me Go back into your corner Go to hell for all I care Find a pit to throw yourself into you've nothing good to share go and take a long journey to a place forgotten by time you've nothing of value to give it's time I leave you far behind Take insecurity and doubts with you paranoia and the blues because you useless lot of emotions I'm so damn sick of you. Current Mood: guilty (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 4th, 2006
3:16 pm	So little Sometimes I'm feeling lonely emptiness consumes my soul and as the tears spill down my face I simply lose control I turn to those I love little comfort do I find though I know they try and give it I'm still lonely in my mind I find it hard not to get angry at the world and the people nearby yet when I push them away I can only hate myself and cry I give so much to everyone as much as I have to spare yet only a very small number ever seems to care I know you get depressed I know you feel sad too yet it should mean something when I say that I love you I try so hard to comfort you so little it appears to mean sometimes I just have to get away before I start to scream I'm always just an irritation a thorn in everyones side I simply can not face it that's why I choose to hide... and cry...and worry...and love you...and miss you So little it appears to mean I just can't help but scream. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: All out of love - Air Supply (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2006
2:33 pm	Beware...Ranting tiger I'm having a really bad couple of days, and after a morning that just went horrendously I need to rant, so be forewarned God where to start, well first, I HATE my computer, it's a lousy piece of festering CRAP that never works properly. Took me a half an hour just to get on line this morning. And it's infected with spy ware out the wazoo, pop-ups everywhere, this freaking winantivirus piece of SHIT spyware has been harassing me for well over a year, continually prompting me at least 5 times a day to download its software. Even if I press cancel it STILL tries to download the crap. I've tried everything to get rid of it, NOTHING catches it. The damn thing is impossible to get rid of, and I don't have any money to have my computer looked at and get a professional to rid me of the damn thing. My parents won't pay for it either, apparently since they don't use the computer as often as I do to list auctions to sell off their stupid crap then it's not an issue for them and thereby not important. And while we're on the subject of parents, I really HATE mine sometimes. So damned inconsiderate, every time I go off the computer for just one second, my mom swoops down like a bloody vulture to hop on line. God I'm getting so fed up with this, it's so rude and thoughtless, she could at least ASK before she barged on when I'm in the middle of talking with my friends. Then I have to wait like several hours or kick her off, just to explain what a loser I am to my friends by revealing that I sill live with my parents. God it's so embarrassing, sometimes I think I'm going to drop dead of shame... Next there's my job coach, I'm beginning to loath her as well, she's stressing me out something awful. She used to be so nice and understanding, but after a year of looking for work for her with little luck, I think she's starting to blame me because of it. I am so SICK of that, you know that's another thing that's really pissing me off, nearly everyone around me is making me feel so inadequate, like I'm not trying hard enough. Oh I'm NEVER trying hard enough am I? Nothing I ever do is every satisfying for the people in my life, I'm just about ready to stop even bothering with her and go back to looking for work by myself because I had as much luck without her as I am with her, so it would make absolutely no difference at all. Another thing that's making me angry about her is she tries and pushes me into all these damn 'programs', 'groups' and what not. Shoving me towards people with problems similar to mine...and I've gone along with it most of the time, filling out all the horrible never ending paperwork. You know what comes of it? NOTHING. I must have applied for at least ten different things over the past few years and NOTHING ever came of it. Now she wants me to try something else yet again, and I so wanted to just tell her to fuck off with it. Say how much I HAVE been trying, I'm doing my damn part, signing my name 'till my skin is raw, it's everyone else who seems to fail in some way. Some paperwork gets lost, someone doesn't had it in to the right person, and she just expects me to continually put up with that...hell no, screw you, I'm done with your damn useless system. Either fix it up and get back to me or just leave me the hell alone with all these damn programs. No offense to local Rochester furs, but I fucking hate this city...*spits on it* Next, kids...yes, you heard me, KIDS, how the hell did they get into this mix you ask, I'll tell you. They have no god damn respect, any shred of it they had has been totally stomped on an destroyed by parents who let them get away with murder and pacify their every want and desire by buying them whatever the hell they want. They don't discipline them, if I was their age I NEVER would've gotten away with the things they do, why I remember once I swore at my dad after he said 'fuck you' to me and my mom. Well I said it right back, and I'll never forget how much he hit me...but ever since then I've never sworn to him again, that's what kids today need, they need a good smack across the damn face. I'd do it myself if I wasn't afraid of getting sued by this 'sue-happy' society of ours, when the hell did people get so damned sensitive about everything?! I'm just so sick of it, can't even go outside and walk the dog without a bunch of young teens, pimples on the ass crack of society shouting things at me. That's what happened yesterday that sort of prompted this rant, you think it'd penetrate their thick skulls when I'm just ignoring the asswipes but they never shut the fuck up. God damn retarded morons...just gave them the finger and walked on. Huuuh...*the tiger pants a little* I'm starting to run out of steam, forgetting what else I wanted to rant about. I guess another thing that's been bothering me is just...people lately. I get so many mixed messages, and I'll admit, I'm a bit slow with a learning disability, and even when it comes to the point of admitting that it's never a good enough explanation. People seem to always tell me one thing, but mean another...it's been that way my whole life. Not to be melodramatic but it really has, people always leaving me when something better comes along, when something more convenient comes along. I hate it, I just hate it. I've grown a lot this past year and I thought it'd make a big difference but it really hasn't, I thought changing myself would change people around me but it hasn't. I'm the same freaking person who's only good for Art and RP... I know of only, maybe a handful of people who see me as anything more, who actually take the time to prove it and spend time with me. So...I really hope they won't think this entry, or anything contained in it is aimed at them *coughs*WOLFGANG*coughs* In closing, here's some mini-rants I got wind a certain fellow artist thought I was stalking him...an artist who, sadly, is one of the nastiest and most viciously inconsiderate jerk offs I've ever met (and I've met a lot of such people believe you me.) I was insulted at the very idea anyone would think that of me, If I was even the type of person to stalk someone I wouldn't even contemplate pouring time and effort into making it a person who's such an asshole. Though the very idea that he could be so vain is kind of amusing...so, I'm both insulted and amused at that. There's a person always bitching about his job, yet bragging about his purchases that's really getting on my nerves. He may or may not know who he is, I don't really care, all I know is he made some nasty entries in my journal once, that I'm still upset over. Never once said he was sorry, not once, I think I apologized to him though...god he's such an ass, so sick of him pretending to be a friend of mine. If he hates me so much why doesn't he just say so and leave me alone. Youtube video posts...yea, stop posting those please, person who can't afford a faster connection getting sick of his friends page taking an hour to download all the time here. Mate pictures on FA...somehow I still hate those, make them go away please, and get a room. *finally out of steams, the big burly tiger collapses, panting, and fanning himself with his tongue rolled out* ugh...my apologies to anyone who may have found this offensive, or to long to read, but this stuffs been building on me for days and I really needed to get it out before December hits, and I'd probably hold it all in for the most part. Gee I'm hungry...*lumbers off to get something to nibble on* Current Mood: enraged Current Music: Don't go away mad (Just go away) - Motley Crue (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
2:13 pm	Light Display Hell! Keeping things moving along, I thought I'd loosen the mood with a poem I came up with which best describes what I've been doing lately (aside from the usual :-P) It started a week ago, I dug them out of their box I stacked them all neatly, crafty as a fox I got to work testing them, making sure each set lit and when they weren't working, I'd throw such a fit I'd go through each bloody bulb, until I was done the bad bulb being, always the last one I'd go on for hours, until each bulb glowed bright and if the strings were tangled, well that's a whole other fight... In case you're wondering if you don't already know I'm speaking of light sets light sets for a show I string them up on everything decorate every twig I don't really have to it's just my gig I really like Christmas and decorations too yet when I get to the 100th bad light set I wish I was a Jew... Speaking of Religion, I just had to remark about the light up nativity, I got on sale at Wal-Mart! What better way to pay homage, to our lord Jesus Christ then blinding your neighbors, with white icicle lights! Not to mention blo-mold snowmen, and those motion lights too I got everything you can imagine, in my decorations crew Oh did I mention, I decorate the backyard as well? With reindeer's and wire trees, It's a light display hell! I'm not really crazy least I tell myself that... I just love to put up stuff I'm a decorations brat sure I have tons of spare light sets that I never use But I'll need them someday! When I'm a hundred and two... Sure, I go a little nuts When I string lights one the neighbors tree But I can if I want to! Half is on my property! So though it's not even thanksgiving, some light sets all already on Yes I'm running around like mad, putting stuff on our lawn hammering stakes in for the snowmen, finding the best spot so I can admire them all serenely, as they make the grass rot. And when it comes time to take it all down, maybe I get a little sad maybe I leave a few things up 'till March, is that really so bad? I just love Christmas, wish it lasted all year But with the electric bill mounting, we'd end up penniless I fear... I'll be sure to stop traffic or at least make it slow down and making everyone on my track wish that I wasn't around! I'll be one of those people you've been told about with that gaudy light display with stuff they'd like to throw out! I'll be sure to take pictures to bring you some holiday cheer and to remind myself... to outdo what I did last year! Current Mood: excited (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
1:55 pm	Forgotten rose I didn't want to back peddle on feeling a bit better after the few hard weeks I've had, wanted to go on feeling good. But truth be told, I felt rather depressed this morning in light of everything that's happened recently. Even learning what a thoughtless and manipulative person the one who I felt so strongly for was from someone else who he hurt didn't soothe away my depression over this as much as I thought it had originally. But rather then posting another long sad journal, which I'm getting rather tired of (as I'm sure you all are too) I composed this poem. When I came to the end, which just seemed to flow naturally, I felt a lot better again. *The tiger timidly holds up the poem, before lumbering off to go and talk with some people to get his mind off things.* A cold dark chill starts to creep up my spine like a specter, a phantom, you enter my mind I didn't give you invitation, didn't seek your memory out but you came none the less, instilling such doubt Did I do right by you, could I have done better? I've done wrong before, I've said so in letters I still blame myself, why else could it be? When I loved you so much, how could you leave me? I don't want to think of you, no thoughts in me to linger But you've enthralled my attention, I'm wrapped around your finger and though I know it's over, known it for awhile I still long for days past, when you made me smile You left people before me, so I'm not the first And though this is the truth, I still feel the worst You cheated on those who loved you, tore their insides out how could you be so heartless, such an unfeeling lout? Why would you go back to someone who treats you like trash when you had those already who treated you like fine china glass I thought you were my soul mate, others felt it too what inspires you to be so callouse, who put this need into you? So now I go day to day, seeking comfort in those who I love trying to get over the belief, that you were sent from above Trying no to break down and cry, for one I held so close trying to ignore the pain, pain of your memories ghost Though I know in my heart, you yourself are hurting too you brought about your own pain, I feel no sorrow for you You'll be a lonesome creature, filled taut with despair when you run out of bedmates, and people who pretend that they care Those who truly love you forgotten, in the light of your lust As you shatter their dreams, as you derail their trust Soon, you'll have neither, no love or friend to dispose And you'll decay by yourself, like a forgotten rose Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: Sinead O'Connor - 'The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance' (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
2:28 pm	Truth I felt the need to get this out... I knew I had said that I wished to remain happy, but I wanted to get this out before I can go on, and focus on everything I'd been ignoring for so long. My happiness, being one of them. My odd and rather dramatic behavior has been due to feelings I had for someone who I believed to be my soul mate. Someone...who I've gotten more closer to then anyone else in my life. Someone who I trusted with my feelings, my fragile, battered and bruised heart, when it had already been kicked around not but a few weeks before I met him. He seemed to need me, and I was more then happy to be there, comforting him, finding in him a kindred spirit, someone I could share my pain with, someone who be there for me. I was so blinded by my feelings, I neglected a lot of things in my life, I...avoided my friends, I could only think about him. I loved him. He was was having trouble with his boyfriend, and my heart wept for him, wondering how such a gentle and soft person could ever be treated so badly. I filled in the gap that his mate and friends left in his life, friends who made themselves scarce whenever he was feeling blue...or, least that's what I was told. I don't want to make it sound like I think he's lying, but I've been lied too and deceived to so often in my life it will sound that way, so forgive me if it does, it's just a force of habit. Anyway, as time went on, and I logged on nearly ever day to see how he was doing, we became closer. Through pictures and poetry which poured out from my very soul, I was there for him. I knew not how to say I loved him better then these ways, and oddly enough they seemed to work. We fell in love, finding we had everything from hobbies to fursuits to fantasys to even something as unlikely the same dream home in common! He told me he was leaving his boyfriend, and he and I made plans to meet next year in February. We talked of a life together even beyond that but...it wasn't meant to be. I should've realized, given all the fantasys and dreams I've shared with people that have never come true before this, that these wouldn't come to pass either. But, well I was so much in love was blinded by it, and he'd earned my trust, something that's so very hard for me to give to anyone these days...he just took it, crumpled up into a ball, and threw it away. I was patient and compassionate and caring when he needed me to be. But...when I needed that, when I needed emotional support, he barely ever gave it. He would just go quiet, leaving me to cry, making me feel terrible about feeling depressed. He basically made it seem like it was all right for him to feel sad, but it was not acceptable for me to feel that way. So...I either had to just deal with the silence, or force a smile on my face and go on as if everything was fine. Am I guiltless of anything going wrong in this relationship? No...no, I got so upset at one point, I threatened to do away with myself. I bombarded him with messages when he wouldn't reply to me, desperately asking that he talk. That can get rather bothersome at some point. Maybe I could've been more understanding about him wanting to remain with his boyfriend after saying he wanted to be with me, saying he wouldn't leave me. I could've just...smiled and taken it, like I took everything else in silent suffering. But something snapped in me when I realized I didn't deserve this, I deserved better. A soul mate wouldn't treat me this way, hell a friend wouldn't treat me this way. So...now, though it's hard, and I'm hurting, I have to get accustomed to the realization he never loved me as I wanted to be loved. I...have to get over being without someone I shared so much with, but who was lacking the one thing, I so desperately needed most of all in a friend...in a lover Emotional support. I'm sorry I have acted so...oddly the past couple of days. Nothing really excuses me, nothing excuses me from neglecting you all, my real friends, my real loved ones. I hope you can find a way to forgive me...again. I'm sorry that I've been this way, sorry that I let myself suffer from a severe case of tunnel vision. Why should I linger so much on one person who barely cares about me...when I have countless others who do to shower with attention? I'm sorry I forgot that. All my love Da Boz Current Mood: rejected Current Music: 'Least you can do' - Phil Collins (19 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 18th, 2006
1:47 am	Shut upa you face Enough with the sad things... *kicks the sad Tiger the hell off his journal, as the springy happy Boz takes his place* Yea talk about a mood swing, but heck being dramatic ain't getting me anywhere, and I know you'll appreciate a good old fashioned happy post! Ha-cha-cha! So what's the good word you ask... Well, things will be good, Christmas is coming! I got all the lights done for the front yard, we're doing an all blue theme this year which I'm actually quite excited about. Which goes to show you just how much of a life I'm lacking! Ehehehee... Still looking for a job naturally, hopefully find SOMETHING, getting kind of sick of mom constantly mentioning places. Only because she has the unfortunate habit of mentioning places only a gerbil hocked up on illegal drugs would be interested in. ...yea I applied at those places. Where was I...damn got distracted talking to someone...okay, OH! *snaps his pawfinger* I would like to do a Christmas card list, IE, I'd like to send out Christmas cards to anyone interested who's reading this journal. Now...I know it's asking alot to trust someone with something as personal as your address, but as a sign of faith I'd send mine along too (just in the vain hope maybe I'd get a Christmas card back *winks*) I was planning on announcing this to FA as well, but I'm giving you guys, the ones who deal with far more of my crap, first dibs. Finally...thank you all for sticking by me, I'm not sure what happened, but I feel better. I think it was a talk I had with Nilo that sort of snapped me out of my hysterical panicked mode, he helped me put everything in perspective. As well as did alot of your in replies to my last journal, thank you very much. All my love -Da Boz Current Mood: determined (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
2:08 am	Screaming and crying I wish I knew how to start this, wish I knew what to say, how can I say everything on my mind to you, how can I put it into words. I am worthless never in my life, and admittedly I've felt it a lot, have I ever felt so unwanted, so useless, so insignificant and worthless. I have no use in life, I have no reason for being here...all I do is make people feel bad, all I do is chase people away, make them hate me, as they should...everyone should hate me, it's easier then putting up with me for any amount of time. Just cut out the middle man and hate me, just like everyone used to do at school. Never bothered to get to know me, just hated me, that's how life should be for me. Oh he's being hard on himself again, that's what you may be thinking. Truth is I'm not being nearly hard enough on myself, and I'll tell you why. I'm too damn sensitive, if one or two people could put up with that I'd not think twice about it, but nobody can. If I admit to being hurt, I'm scolded, yelled at, attacked, and shut out...don't admit you're sad, don't admit you're hurting, that's rule one. Rule two is just give people what they want, don't hold back on anything, even if it scares you, makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter. If you have a shot at being with someone you just give him what he wants. Even if he ignores you at parties, yells at you in the car, calls you names, disappoints you in every way humanly possible...it's better then being alone, I should've stayed where I was, now no one else will desire me. I'm tired, so tired, I'm myself, but nobody wants that person, nobody wants all the emotional baggage that comes with knowing me. If you still think I'm being too hard on myself, try talking to the people who've gotten sick of me, if I can't change you're mind they certainly can. I could spend an eternity listing the names of people who I've chased away, never meaning to, never wanting to... I hate being alone, I hate it...no one wants me, I don't care what anyone says, I know the truth, I know what's real. Nobody wants to listen to me unless I pay them a large amount of money, and right now I don't have it...I don't have it. I don't have anything worthwhile to give anybody. Yes...doppleganger I broke another promise, seems I break everything...promises, friendships, hearts, trust...I'm horrible, I agree with you and Deltavious, and everyone else who must think it...half of them are probably reading this and shaking their heads, adding up all the issues I must have in their heads. Why does everyone hate me...why does everyone hurt me...I let them, it's my own fault, it has to be. Everyone else is getting along so wonderfully with people in their lives, it's because I'm so fucked up nobody can stand me, not even people with the same interests. It's all my fault, it's always my fault, it's always been my fault, i know it is...i deserve everything I get, i know I do. *With nothing more to say he gets down on his knees, screaming as the tears pour down his face. His body trembling his lays on the ground, screaming and crying, screaming and crying...* (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 5th, 2006
7:47 pm	you might have been curious I feel I should update this with something...though I've had little ambition to speak much on here since my last journal. One which I have to apologize for if I haven't already...I am very sorry about it. Hopefully that'll be the last time I make a journal like that. Yes, it will be. What to say about the past couple of weeks, what to say...I guess the big news right now is I'm gearing up for Christmas, I always get rather excited about that holiday. I put up quite a few trees in my room, and decorate them all. Snowmen, Lights, garlands...my room becomes a virtual wonderland for Christmas. It takes a lot of work though and I'm thinking of simplifying it a bit this year since, well believe it or not it usually takes me all of January to take everything down in the house since I do all the decorating. To give you a good idea of the enormity of what I do I'll show you some pics from last year sometime this month, I just feel too lazy to resize and upload them right now. The job search carries on, been filling out applications like madtiger, trying to get that holiday job. So far no luck, and I'm really hoping to find one so I can save up for some trips I'd like to take. Or, one particular trip I'd like to take anyway *purrs, swishing his tail hopefully* I've found that this year, I've lost a lot of interest in material things. I love to collect action figures and plushie and...well TONS of stuff, but I think what I want most now is to get out there and meet people. To just have friends beyond messenger windows, and I will. If it means selling a good portion of my collections, that's fine. Possessions are replaceable, besides, if I'm ever too move to find a better economy for work it's the only way I can really do it. Lately I haven't been feeling much like talking on messenger though, with the exception of a few very special people, or person rather. I kind of miss being in the mood to talk to folks, but lately it's just gotten so hard to hide what I'm really feeling from some people. And the last thing I want to do is burden people with my woes if I can't find the strength to push them aside. Besides, around this time of year I always become absent, focusing on holiday stuffs. I'll also be rather absent from FA too, getting kind of tired of stuff I've been putting up with there anyway and I need a break from it. I won't go into a whole rant about it because there's no point, and I don't really feel like it, but I probably won't be as active there until sometime next year. Well folks, that's it for now really, just spending this weekend taking down more Halloween junk and, well doing tiger-ish things. Heh, you all take care folks *big tiger hugs all around, purring pleasantly* I love being a tiger so damn much...on a lighter note, do you realize how much more frisky I am lately? Damn, this fursona fits me like a very snug and arousing speedo... -Boz Current Mood: loved Current Music: 'Open Arms' Journey (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
3:04 pm	I have to go now. I won't make a big speech... For the past five years, I have discovered that I can't be loved, or wanted, or fit in anywhere. I have tried hard, and I have failed hard. I won't risk losing anymore loved ones or friends, or push anymore people away with my clingy behavior. This is the end. Remember me fondly Goodbye (21 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
12:23 pm	If only he could say things in fewer words Depression isn't fun... I think this is without a doubt, the worst bout of depression I've ever had in my life. And of course, constant bad occurrences in life hasn't helped much. talking to people on line has helped me a little to forget what's bothering me, and even if i am still upset I rarely will ever vocalize it. It's easier to pretend to be happy then it is being truthful about feeling like utter crap, so if you want to know how I'm truly feeling half the time, well, this is the place. I'll start by reporting my week started out rather good, after a stressful Sunday night I woke up the next morning feeling just as sick, but after time I managed to calm down. It was a very warm day so I took several walks, and even managed to set up the Halloween stuff outdoors. When I'm feeling a little better I'll post some pics up of it. Unfortunately though, Mondays cheers as well as its warm weather didn't carry on onto Tuesday. Tuesday was in a word, very hard, and if it wasn't for keeping myself busy doing some pictures for a very dear friend I think I just would've broken down several times. Being back more frequently on FA is already beginning to wear me down again though, I like all the interest show in my fursonas but other stuff around there just really gnaws at me. For instance, the fact that I like had done at least 15 of those 'survey' questionnaires, and maybe only three people bothered to reply to my comments. Makes me wonder why I bothered spending all that time and care into them if the person who I was doing it for wasn't really interested in what I had to say. I'm just sick of being ignored by people around there, people I try to make friends with. I've been the best person I know how to be and they still don't want anything to do with me. Makes me wonder why I bother, if my kind self can't even make any new friends what's the point of trying. I'm beginning to wonder why I post anything on there anyway...But I wouldn't say that there, nor will I, as everyone will just label me as a whinny little prick. Maybe I am, oh, I know I am I guess. I wish I didn't care about being ignored all the time by some of these people but it does bother me, I take it very personally. The Job search hasn't been going that well either, and my Job coach has been somewhat short with me as of late. She didn't like the idea of me moving at all, said I should stay around Rochester. I told her truthfully that I don't like this area, I don't like its weather, I don't like its lack of jobs, and...well i hate everything about living here, though I tried to be polite about it, seeing on how she works here and all. She said I haven't been trying hard enough to find work lately, that i need to make reasons to stay here. That upset me very much, I've been busting my ass to find work, even when we're not meeting I'm always looking. And it's gotten very hard because of the depression because i don't even want to bother, what with the rotten luck I've had. Frankly I'm almost tempted to go out on it alone again, I don't even want to see her after our last meeting. I've been seeing her for a year and the best thing I found under her wing was a job that lasted barely two months since it was seasonal. This is no way to make a living, I just want to move. I want to find a fur with some space to spare anywhere in this country and just pack up and move. I don't care about leaving behind my stuff anymore, I don't care about possessions anymore. I want to be able to afford to go out and meet people, to make friends, to be around folks more often. I just don't believe anymore that I'll be able to do that here. I'm a hard worker, I always have been, I'm passionate about what I do...I need to be someplace where that actually still MEANS something, and Rochester, NY isn't that place. It hasn't been for a very long time. Finally, in regards to the Furfright trip I'm considering not even going, seems too much of a hassle to bother with, and I really don't know if I'd have enough money to sustain me for the few days it's on. I know a lot of folks would probably help me out but...well, I hate being a charity case. I'm sure people ten times more broke then I are perfectly happy not doing anything at all and staying home most of the time. I just don't know, given my situation if I'd ever be able to pay these people back. I want to go, I want to so badly but...I just don't know. Is it even worth it, I mean, what kind of impression will I make on people? Will they like me? Will they think I'm a snob if I'm too shy? Why would anyone in their right mind want to hang around with me anyway? Not to question some peoples sanity, heh, I just really wonder sometimes. But...we'll see, I have to talk to a local fur some more about it if I haven't scared him off yet with my odd behavior. Anyway, I'm sorry this is turning out to be so long, just woke up feeling rather crummy and needed to vent. All my mornings have been that way, and it takes a lot of hard work to just get out of bed and hope some small thing that will occur during the day will make getting up worthwhile. Yes, I admit those things do happen, they happen in the people I speak to on line, they happen in the notes and letters I receive. They happen in the walks I take, the pictures I draw, and the books I read. Those may be very trivial joys to most, but to me they're everything. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Meat Loaf 'Left in the Dark' (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 9th, 2006
1:52 am	Can't Breath I just needed to make this entry...I need some help with something, not sure what's a matter with me. For the past several days I've been having trouble getting into anything, my ambition is so low. By now I'd have really gotten into Halloween, but this year I've had to force myself to do all the stuff I normally do and am excited about. My eyes have just been...feeling totally buggy, burning, headaches, I think at some point I strained them crying but, usually this doesn't last so long. I almost didn't eat anything all day today, Had to force myself to have something tonight, I've never been less hungry in all my life. I had to just force myself to eat and I wish I hadn't, I feel so horribly sick. Right now I feel short of breath, like I can't breath, I can't catch my breath, like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. It's all just too much, everything, some negative notes on FA, Trying to plan for furfright, being alone again, not being able to find work, being so broke and stuck here in this town that I hate so much...I can't breath, I'm suffocating. I log on messengers to try and forget my own problems, to have fun with people and help them if they're down. But It's not helping...not helping at all, I'm scared, will things ever change, will they ever improve, will I EVER get out of this? I can't take it...I've tried to think positively, tried to believe things would change. But they're not, they're only getting worse, I don't want to be alone anymore, useless to society, hated because I can't deliver what I promise...God I need help so bad. I can't get in to see someone until November about this, Until November! I have to rough it out for several more weeks, crawling on my hands and knees through each day. I just want to be loved, so want to have a purpose, have friends to comfort me in person, not be where I am anymore, not alienate anymore people. It's all I do, all I ever do, I chase everyone away, I don't mean to, i don't...I don't mean to. My emotions get the best of me and I can't control them...and I'm sorry, but as much as I say sorry I'm not forgiven by those who I push away. I'm sorry if this scares anyone, I really am,I'm just so lonely, so desperately lonely. I don't think I've managed to go a day without crying over these past two weeks since my Missouri trip...I feel so horribly Ill, and I can't get help until November. Why couldn't things have worked out, why didn't I stay! I could've gotten a job, could've saved up for my own place, why do I have to be so damn sensitive. I am odd, Jeremey was right...I'm odd, I'm the one who did everything wrong...not him... I always do everything wrong... Current Mood: sick (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 2nd, 2006
10:20 am	Just trying Hey Gang... well, I'm afraid this is going to be another sad entry, so...well you've had a fair warning *forces a shaky smile, wiping the tears away* I think the whole situation with my 'friend' in Jeremy has finally hit me full force, and the worst of the depression is really kicking in. I used to think the horrible black and hopeless feeling came from my other friend not wanting to take me to fur fright after all, but then I realized it had to do with my trip. He never once said thank you...no words of appreciation for me coming all that way, spending all that money. He never had the common courtesy just to thank me for trying, thank me for keeping him company when he had made himself out to be so lonely. I thanked him repeatedly for having me, though I'm not sure why considering how much I hated the whole experience. It's because it's just the decent thing to do, you suck up all your anger and sadness and resentment and you say 'thank you'. It's just not as hard as people make it out to be...so, if ever a person blows $500 dollars on an air plane ticket to come meet you, and nearly liquidates his entire savings...be sure to thank them, okay? God I feel stupid, I hate being this way, hate feeling so miserable. I so want to be happy, so want to feel myself again. But I'm so distraught lately I'm not even in the mood to decorate for Halloween as I always do. I'm a big kid when it comes to that holiday, which is why I believe Furfright would've been so good for me. Would've lifted my spirits back up, now...well, I'm not sure what to do folks. I guess that's really it for now, I just felt the need to vent a bit. I wish I hadn't really said anything on FA, I always could kind of tell when people were getting sick of my crap, the comments go from centering on wishing I'd stay to wishing me luck on getting better. Kind of like they're almost relieved I'm going for awhile...I always did feel that way, still do. I'm hoping to maybe make it to Midwest Furfest with someone in November, hoping I can actually make it this time. There's a few people I'd adore meeting, one person in particular who I REALLY want to meet. But, we'll see how that goes, not about to get my hopes up when they've been dashed so much recently. -Da Boz Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Journey 'Mother, Father' (4 Comments |Comment on this)