A Tigers Tumultuous Tribulations|
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|Tuesday, June 21st, 2011|
Seems the only time I find my way to you is to gripe and moan about something that's troubling me, I hope you'll give me some credit that I've withheld opening the floodgates on you for at least a year or two. Suppose I've whined my way too much at FurAffinity as is and perhaps you felt neglected...suppose I should be recording happier times, better memories, but those need to real written preservation, as I always think of those, and I highly doubt I'll find my way back to re-read through them to remember, anymore then I'll come back to re-read my droning about how much stupid online crap is depressing me utterly...but, here we are again anyways.
Seems every time around this part of the year, I get feeling forgotten, tossed aside, and utterly abandoned by those who I thought cared about me. Besides that, I feel ignored, overlooked, unappreciated, and just an unwanted intruder looking through a chain-link fence to cliques and groups of people, who I think have similar interests and talent, being happy, being noticed, included, and all I can do is look, but not touch, not be apart of it.
People tell me this isn't the case, tell me, I've done no wrong when I ask them point blank, all the while I'm painfully aware that, even if I had done something wrong they'd simply not tell me, or they're simply to considerate to hurt my feelings and just openly admit that they've grown tired or bored of me. I'd confess I'm guilty of such things myself, such people sometimes I find I want little to nothing to do with after awhile. That I've grown apart, that we have nothing in common. Much as I hate it to be this way, seems the people I've just not the ambition to talk too want something to do with me, while the people I'd give my right foot to to notice me, show they give half a damn about my thoughts could care less about me, ignore me entirely after awhile...it's horribly shallow of me really, and, on second glance, it's something I imagine I need to improve on.
Still, when it comes to other artists I feel are my peers, or people who excite me and thrill me with the things they write, do or say, they eventually loose interest in me, if they had any real interest to begin with. more often then not I get the impression, on the rare occasions I talk to someone new, they're simply after free art...'oh, it'd be wonderful if you could draw me doing this or that!' and the only real reason they give me any scrap of their time is the possibility they'll get something in return. While at the same time, i see these same people throwing about their money like it's confetti to be tossed around on a whim to other artists. Lovely that they like my work enough to want it, just not enough to pay for it.
I miss my friendships with people...some artist, who've since become phenomenally popular, and busy with demanding projects and/or jobs, just don't have time for me, or, simply don't have the interest anymore. people I used to spend hours with just shooting the breeze, moving on with their lives and moving on with their art, while I'm just stuck in limbo and not making any real mark anywhere i the world.
I find myself writing these essays of notes to these people, just...absolutely pouring my heart out, and I'm lucky if I get maybe one sentence back, if I get any reply at all.
Though nobody tells me, I know perhaps, I need to be more outgoing, need to strive and work harder to gain peoples notice and regard. Popularity and recognition aren't things that're just dished out on a whim, much as I'd like them to be. For this reason, I've stepped up my art production to at least one picture a week, and I've been trying to keep up at it. For all my progress and submissions though, if anything...people notice and comment less and less. it's like...the harder I work, the less people care, while at the same time I see those around me getting much more notice.
People tell me it's the lack of pornography...well, that is the age-old attraction that brings 'em in in droves, isn't it? Not necessarily, least in my case. five years ago, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything adult, anything showing more then just the suggestive...because it's not my thing, not what I'm into. I finally start, and it still doesn't do anything for how people notice or regard me. It's like...I'm just an intruder with that too 'oh, far betters artists then you have done this for much longer, you're just too late, nobody cares now.'
I just am not sure why I bother with anything, anywhere, even on here with communities, I see people going absolutely bonkers about what someone else has to say or show...yet when I post, I'm ignored entirely, even tumble weeds avoid my posts like the plague.
Mom has said it repeatedly, and few words I could hear have ever rung more true 'you're just a loner'.
Though I try and be outgoing and friendly on here, it's like...people can still read
that vibe through whatever I say, they see it bold and clear in big black font 'avoid this guy, he's a nobody
I'm sounding horribly bitchy, I know, I've just had all these pent up frustrations...and believe me, I'm not generally an unhappy person, least not in real life. i don't really have anyone besides my mate, and he's all I really need, but when i come online sometimes I can't help but want and need a little notice, to connect with people, feel they enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs in turn. I'm just not getting that these days...maybe I let all my grievances get in the way far too much, constantly thinking nobody cares. People love you when you're a spot of sunshine on their day, but if you mention anything of being distressed or upset...it's unlikely you'll ever feel you're anything but a bother to them afterwords.
I guess what this jumble of a complaint comes down to, is just feel left out, thrown away, and just not mattering enough to people that you're included in their daily ritual anymore. I know it sounds overly dramatic, I get started and I just can't stop, I'll ask for your forgiveness much as I ask it of myself for feeling this way.
I hope things improve, but with the years stretching onwards, and people online just moving farther and farther away from with each passing season...I can only see it getting worse. I best either learn to stop caring entirely, or somehow figure out that magical formula that makes people like you and want to listen and respond to what you have to say and show.
But after 10 some odd years of trying...I'm not very sure I'm liable to ever figure it out. Current Mood: depressed
|Saturday, April 10th, 2010|
|Three year rant in the making
I realize it’s been several years since I last posted upon here, I figure little to nobody save the tumbleweeds even so much as glance at this thing any longer. I guess that’s the primary reason I’m posting this upon here, I simply need to vent. I’ve been holding back far too much for the last several months to a year in regards to ‘Fur Affinity’, as I have in so many years past already used it to rant in my journal. The sad truth is I find little else to use that function for on there, given there’s little else to talk about there that I can think of, certainly nothing I would honestly feel folks would care about.
To those few who do end up reading this though, I appreciate your attention, and apologize sincerely that after a 3-year absence from here, I only come back to once again, use it for bitching.
…But I really, really need to bitch right now.
On Gift Art.
Let me talk about gift art, there was a time, not too long ago, I found myself longing to do gift art for people, not because they did anything for me, or because they were my friend, or even acknowledge the fact that I’m even alive, but because I admired them or their art. That isn’t the case anymore, and I’m no longer going to even think about doing it for anyone save people who I KNOW are my good friends and who’ll properly appreciate it. In fact, in another week if I still find myself overly pissed about this, I’m removing all that gift art so there isn’t any trace of the fact I ever wasted my time on it
And here are the reasons…
You do gift art for one person, suddenly EVERYONE thinks they’re entitled to it, and start hounding you incessantly as if you’ve nothing better to do with yourself and have all the time in the world to devote on something they’ll spend a minute thanking you for (if at all) only to go back acting like you don’t exist again. Another fine reason, if they’re the sort who bombards FA with gift art for other people yet somehow entirely neglect you even after you’ve done something for them that really peeves me. I realize thinking you’d get something in return totally obliterates the concept of what a ‘gift’ means, but still, even if you don’t expect anything and they seem to enjoy doing things for other people, too…it would be nice not to be totally overlooked don’t you think?
And while we’re still on the subject, ever since I changed my fursona…nobody ever draws me. I was a bull for maybe a month to two years, and people LOVED drawing him and surprising me with stuff. I changed into a tiger and suddenly…maybe three or four people have bothered to do anything IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
WHAT THE FUCK.
If I wasn’t seeing other peoples characters drawn continuously week in, and week out, pictures that I know are not commissions, this wouldn’t bother me so much. But ever since I changed I just don’t seem to inspire people anymore and that really upsets me like you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes I spend my entire time looking through FA, wondering, what it is I’m doing wrong? WHY don’t I influence people like I used too? I realize that for the longest time, I was an absolute horrible asshole to a lot of people…but I’ve made such a turnaround in the past few years, I KNOW I have, and I still don’t motivate people to draw me, like other people seem to motivate them. That just makes me feel all kinds of shitty…and the same goes for my mate, I’ve seen couples on there celebrated with absolute passion in some peoples gift art…but not me and Simba. I think he put it best when he said ‘he’s the kid nobody wants to play with’, for as awful and crummy as I feel about this, I know he feels ten times worse…
*Takes a time out to hug him softly*…you’ll always have me to draw us though, you know that.
…But moving on.
Let’s talk about WATCHERS.
Watchers, I love ‘em, can’t get enough of that giddy little thrill I feel at seeing somebody new has watched me, I love looking over those new avatars in delight. However…seems I’m constantly losing them, and I mean…in fucking droves sometimes. One thing I cannot stand is seeing I have new watchers, only to realize when I look at the numbers I’ve lost several, too. I’ve been stuck at 2112 for the past two weeks…and I had an influx of watchers after my ‘egg sucking pic’, I was going up…only to go right back down. I’ve gained and then lost like, 10 watchers in the past week. It’s so phenomenally annoying, WHY do people watch me just to unwatch me again? Plus some people I’ve known for awhile just, out of the blue unwatched me…I go to ask them why exactly, and I’m met with the cold shoulder.
I realize I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this, but it really troubles me. I realize I go over a few subjects that might make some people uncomfortable, but I don’t do it for those reasons, nor do I do it that often…what’s the deal?
So…I’m just all sorts of baffled about that, too, I’m not sure how I’ll ‘hit the big-time’ with a horrible record for losing folks as I do on that web site.
Now, a rant about ‘Cliques’
I FUCKING HATE CLIQUES.
It’s not enough that some artists have accumulated about a billion watchers and fans, but they have to group themselves up ONLY with other artists of the same ludicrous amount of followers. They don’t give anyone they feel isn’t worth their time to spit on a moments regard. This wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t have like, several; examples from my sorted past on this web site of people who, were once not so terribly popular, who were more then happy to be my friends and speak to me, only to completely abandon me from all notice that I’m even still breathing once they gained ‘elite status’.
One artist in particular who did this pisses me off more over the rest, as when he started out on FA, he wasn’t all too terribly talented, or worth much notice to some I guess. But he added me and I really enjoyed talking to him. Then one day, he started, out of the blue posting this amazing stuff, and gained like, a thousand watchers overnight more than happy to cheer him on as he took a dump. Now when I try to speak with him he shows absolutely no interest in speaking with me whatsoever. I could tell him I’m on fire or that I joined the circus, and I’d be lucky to be replied too with one of those retarded Y! emotes.
…not to go off topic, but don’t you absolutely hate when you type out an essay to a person on how you are, what you’re up to, only to be met with a stupid smile face, followed by utter silence?
That really pisses my off.
He’s more than happy however to speak with other elitists though, and call them the ‘cool kids club’.
Remember folks, you’re only cool up until your icon isn’t showcased on their user page anymore…then you’re a nobody.
Furthermore, on the subject of one-sided assemblies, why don’t we address ‘families’, ‘Favorite artists’ & ‘Best bud’ listings on people’s pages.
I’m not on a fucking one of those.
Sure I’m friends with about 200 people, many who have put these links to their favorite people on their pages, yet I’m entirely overlooked. When people list these icons on, stating how they favor certain individuals over other people they know, it’s not only a virtual slap in my face every time I see them, but it says to me.
‘Hey, I like you…just not as much as these people.”
Douchebaggery at its finest, wouldn’t you say?
It’s absolutely amazing to me, that in this gigantic popularity club that we live upon called earth, people still find new and totally thoughtless ways to ignore people.
What’s even more amazing to me, is that I’m even amazed by that, people are just thoughtless by nature.
…At this point I’m somewhat running out of steam, I woke up finding all this really upsetting me, and I don’t know why. Perhaps because my latest submission gained as much notice as an amoeba doing the cha-cha on the back of someones butt. That’s something else that’s been troubling me, seems the harder I work on a picture, the less notice it appears to get from people. If anything most my pictures do is loose me watchers lately, makes a person want to go back into solitude from posting artwork online.
I’d bother to post on DA, if I didn’t get such an ‘anti-fur’ vibe from that place. But that’s probably only because one of the wonderful folks who actually bothered to draw my tiger fursona, who posted it there, got some kind of ‘fur-faggatory’ comment in response to it.
Much as I love the word ‘faggatory’ much as the next irreverent fuck, I didn’t really appreciate it being used on something posted of me.
The bumper sticker was right, people really do suck.
Anyways…I think that’s it for me. To those who bothered to read this, I apologize, but I had to get this off my chest SOMEWHERE. I can’t in good conscious do it on FA, I don’t want to risk losing anymore watchers, nor come off as nothing more than an attention whore, as more often than not, rants of this sort of instantly dismissed as that. I still wanted to vent, but I figured might as well do it where I know less people will see it, if anyone does.
Hopefully I can continue on posting weekly with a virtual smile on my face, because honestly folks…when I post on FA, and when I visit FA, I’m rarely smiling on the inside, or the out in real life. One thing I’ve learned though if anything from my ‘asshole’ years online is that people prefer you to come off happy and chipper, even if you’re not feeling well. Seems more often than not I have to pretend these days, though I’m happy in my real life, online is nothing but a reminded of how much a nobody I really am, and nobody likes to be reminded of that.
…especially nobodies like me.
…HOW’S THAT FOR DRAMATIC?!!
*puts on a top hat and shimmies off the page* Current Mood: angry
|Thursday, January 18th, 2007|
|WoW - Wretchedly Obtuse World
I fucking hate WoW…
Normaly, I don’t really like to rant…oh hell who am I kidding, I love to rant.
But this made me kind of angry, I found out recently two or three more people have been sucked into that stupid online game, hence why I haven’t seen them in awhile. Now, I’m hardly one to complain about people being away, I’m away so often myself leaving people to wonder where I am. But I’m off having a LIFE at least, looking for work, getting exercise, helping mom out with stuff around the house as dads off doing contract work. I’m so utterly sick of people neglecting their friends over this game, back when my frusona was an orc, I last every single solitary person I chatted to online because of that game, as they played orcs too. Am I bitter? Hell YES I’m bitter, should I be? Most likely not, but when people start valuing a dumbass made up world more then they value their friends feelings…then I’m sorry, you’re despicable excuses for human beings who should be run over by a soccer team all wearing cleats…
*sighs, growling angrily* god I hate how insensitive people can be, I’ve lost more friends over tat game then anything I’ve ever said and done in all my years of knowing people and getting snappy at them from time to time. Makes me wonder what the point of improving myself is, if it’s not one thing driving people away, it’s another…
Anyway…*tires to calm a little* I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t bother me so, and make me feel so angry, but it really, really does. Doesn’t one singular solitary person who plays stuff like that realize or care that there’s someone missing them, talking to them? No…I suppose it never even occurred to them…god forbid
You WoW people suck.
-Boz Current Mood: enraged
|Wednesday, January 10th, 2007|
Well I've had little ambition to update this, but I felt I should, as I do have a few good things to report, and the usual things still bothering me in some way or another.
We'll go through the bad first...
My Job coach quit on me last Thursday, or, well more accurately she called it 'Case Exiting', but to me it still means 'I'm giving up on you'. The depression I went through after that was the worse I've had in a very long time. I spent allot of time trying to drown out my sorrows putting away Christmas decorations, but it did little good. Worst of all I hurt the one I love so dearly, but...well we got through that, as we get through everything together.
I realize I complained allot about her, but given that jobs are so hard to obtain, and job leads just as tough to find, it was nice to have someone there for me to help me, to at least know I was TRYING. Even if I never found anything, just trying made me feel like I was at least doing something. But, she said because I've been rather 'teary' lately as she put it, she thinks it'd be best I focused on my therapy. Perhaps if she hadn't started nearly yelling at me all the time I wouldn't have been so 'teary' as she put it. But either way, I'm on my own again in regards to finding work.
I'm mourning over the loss of a few friends, I don't loose them the way I used to, when I let my temper get the better of me (although that might still happen once in a blue moon) Now it seems well...I loose them in different ways. It still hurts though, and though I feel a lot of pain I can't speak to some of them anymore, I found it even more painful talking to them. There's just certain people, the things they do or say that I can't seem to put up with. I guess that's natural, but I still feel bad about it for a long time, blaming myself...if I was different, maybe we could still be freinds. The saddest thing is, I sometimes wonder if they feel as much sorrow about it as I do. Seems to me that, from experience they could care less in the long run...I read their journals.
I guess the biggest thing right now, is sadness and frustration that I won't be able to be with my loved one as soon as I had hoped. I would go and be with him tomorrow, if I could. But...I have a lot of stuff I need to take care of here still, so maybe it is for the best. Stuff that usually seems to fall around in the winter months, until spring begins its reign. It's looking possible I may have to wait until the weather is warmer to be with him.
We keep talking of it as a visit, but I think If I go, I'll never come back...
The good things.
I'm doing better then I was a year ago, when I was suffering from allot of upper back problems. All the stretches I do really seem to help, though, it's hard to get going on them sometimes, especially with how cold it is. But all in all I don't do too badly.
I've gotten back into drawing, as well as inking and coloring. I might even finish a few commissions, as well as some trades. I'm really excited about the great response I got for my latest work, makes me forget all about the days I used to worry and obsess over how few comments I felt I was getting. People really like me...not just for my art, but for me. I can feel that in the things they say, the comments aren't all meaningless and empty remarks anymore. They have feeling behind them, and I really like that.
...the only problem is, I'd like to reply to each one, but there are so many!
I'm making allot of headway getting rid of things, I think as my mom often tells me, I am suffering from sever pack-rat syndrome. This is especially evident in the fact that...uh, well, I keep a lot of stuff I haven't used in years, and some of its the kinda stuff you'd just throw away! So...anyway, lame as it is I'm happy I'm making some room in my bedroom.
I haven't been up to much offline, aside from putting away decorations (another thing I'm doing a pretty good job of weeding out...thank GOD.) But me and mom went to a really huge indoor garage sale at the dome. That was so much fun, it got a little boring near the end though. But there was this one lady who had a mess of wind-ups from the 80's, and I went bonkers. I also picked up this really funny statue of a lion with a big angry grin and the caption 'Smile, Dammit!' on the base. She had a HUGE collection of those like, oh god I'm not sure what they're called, but they were those carved ivory motivational statues produced by American greetings in the 1970's and 80's (the one which you may recall being a guy with his arms outstretched and the caption 'I love you THIS much' on the base.) Most of them had a lot of sexual references oddly enough, there was this one of a really gritty, cigar smoking guy that had 'everything's better with SEX!' on his base which I wanted too. But...well, I couldn't get that without having to have had to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions from mother dearest, so I stuck with the lion.
Finally...I feel I'm doing a little better, I'll be back in a couple of weeks bitching about stuff though I imagine. I'm only saying this because, well, we're hosting the family party here this year on the 21st of this month and...god I'm dreading that so much. I hate most of the members on my dads family, those who don't make me feel somewhat worthless, simply outright ignore me. So...not sure which is the worse of two evils. My Cousins and Aunt are pretty cool, but seeing them is still overshadowed by the wicked bitch of the west my Uncle is married too. One of these days I'm going to tell that woman off, or at least ask her what exactly crawled up her ass and died there, and when the hell will she get it removed so I don't have to put up with her crap anymore...
All my love
PS Oh I uploaded some pics I took of my room with it decorated, but I'm not sure uh...do you guys know how to get to my gallery? They should all be viewable, if not just let me know and I'll just post them right here. Current Mood: excited
|Thursday, January 4th, 2007|
|New year, same low expectations
I guess I don't really have allot to say about the new year as of yet, I was hoping maybe something fantastical or wonderful would've happened in the first few days but...well, so far it's the same old thing. I remember a time when new years used to mean something, when new years would actually feel like...well, NEW years! Now they're just kinda the same, '06 problems carry themselves into '07, as well as the worries. Hm...if I didn't have all those people out there who cared about me I think I'd have gone mental by now. And, well I mean more mental then I already am folks.
Hmm...wish I could make some new years resolutions, but I can't really bring myself to put my wishes down on paper, or in this case the computer screen. I try not to get my hopes up about stuff, because I know I'll just be let down, and get all depressed about it. "oh, I didn't get to do this, I didn't have enough money to do that." Hum...*reads over all the happy journals about people expressing all the wonderful things that've already happened for them this year, and sighs softly, frowning as his ears droop*
I've mostly spent my time taking down Christmas stuff, my room is nearly done, and got all the outside stuff done. I'm kind of annoyed though, i end up doing all the decorating on my own...which I enjoy, don't get me wrong. But it used to be mom would at least help me, now she doesn't even bother. She's rather play with the dog or read those stupid magna books of hers. And on a side note I'm really not happy with that dog lately, he goes ballistic every time someone comes to the door, nearly knocked over the tree on two occasions. I work my ass off trying to make the thing look nice and he ruins it in a matter of seconds...
Oh, shoot...i just hate this house and everything in it sometimes.
I don't want to complain to much but...oh, it just bugs me, i work so hard to make things nice here, and she lets the dog ruin them all the time. I keep telling myself year after year I won't bother putting stuff up if this is going continue, but I always seem to anyway. I keep hoping, Christmas after bloody Christmas I won't be here anymore, been wishing that for the past four years...and I'm always stuck here, year after stupid pointless year...I HATE it here, I hate everything about this place.
I wish...I wish, year after year, just one little good thing would happen, just one little good thing. I sometimes think maybe I'm asking too much, maybe I just don't deserve good things to happen to me, like other people do. I've tried to improve myself, I'm not the screaming monster I used to be...but maybe it's not enough? Maybe I'm still not a good enough person to enjoy some of the things other people enjoy all the time, things they take for granted.
I wish I had somebody to talk to in person, someone who really cared, not some...emotionless therapist who looks more at his computer screen then he does me. Not a parent who takes everything I say so lightly and...laughs when i get upset. Maybe I just...maybe I just need to accept things as they are, and not see them improving. it's been so many years now with so little improvement, I just don't see things ever getting better.
*curls up into a ball on the floor, sighing softly as he stared off into space* I just don't know...I don't know anymore, about anything. Current Mood: depressed
|Thursday, December 28th, 2006|
Well, after a rather stressful Christmas holiday, I thought I'd update all of you on what's been going on with me lately.
Christmas was okay, I didn't get very much but, I was too depressed to care so it all balanced out rather well. I did get a DVD player, which...well, would've been nice, but it won't plug into my stone age tv set. I hooked it up to my VCR, but because it's hooked up through the VCR, it won't play any dvds right until I get one of those little boxes that allows you to hook up the dvd to the TV itself, or get a new TV. Since I can't afford either right now and I'm not about to ask my parents to get me one due to guilt issues, I didn't get a dvd player so much as a really thin paper weight that blinks and greets me when I turn it on.
Today, I went grocery shopping for my mom, since she was off with my dad visiting my brother...I don't tend to come along, and, well I feel like the most horrible brother in the entire universe because I don't. For those of you who don't know it, he has cerebral palsy, and is in a home a good few hours drive away from here. I can't remember the last time I went to visit him, after awhile I wondered what the point was...and I feel horrible about it, I probably should've gone...
As if I wasn't feeling guilty enough, I ended up somehow losing $20 of the $60 mom gave me for grocerys. I still managed to get everything on the list, but I was so distraught, I was in tears over it. Mom and dad could care less, but I feel awful, that's $20 dollars they could've used to pay bills or something...and I just lost it somehow. Even when i try to help out I end up doing things wrong, seems I just can't win lately.
Maybe I should take $20 out of my savings...I was saving up to take a trip, but I don't know what the point is anymore, I can't imagine anyone wanting me to be anywhere near them sometimes.
I'll just be happy when Christmas is over, I've already started taking things down, I just can't stand looking at the decorations anymore, I don't even know why I bothered putting them up in the first place. I have taken pics though, and as soon as I'm feeling better, maybe I'll post them. but with the way things have been going I can't see my mood improving at all. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy, not to be melodramatic, but a person has to wonder when just about everything in his life even remotely good goes wrong...and as much as I try and fix things, i can't.
Lastly, might as well end on a good note, I got about 13 Christmas cards after sending about 30 or so out, I wasn't really even expecting to get one back, nor would I have minded much. I was just happy at the time to send them out to people, and I'm glad I got it done when I did, because if I'd have had to have done them now I'm not sure I could. I still have to drag myself over to FA and thank everyone for that, but I can't seem to find the ambition to do it...hopefully in a few days, I will.
I guess that's it really, not looking forward to the new year at all...as, I feel it'll be as pointless and miserable as the last few have been. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but can you blame me? I haven't had a steady job since '03...I've been pretty much useless since then.
PS. Thanks to all of those who replied to my Christmas eve journal, I was very grateful for that. It means allot to know so many people care about me, when I really, really need it...and...I don't have to beg you for it, I don't have to plead you for that compassion, you give it without any prompting.
Thank you... Current Mood: depressed
|Wednesday, December 27th, 2006|
|Heart of glass
I miss my kitty
how can I express
how much I yearn for him
through so much unrest
every day I think of him
as the hours and days pass
it makes a man grow weary
of his heart made of glass
I wish I wasn't so fragile
That Ii could weather each storm
and at times I am wishing
a heart of stone were I born
with a heart made of stone
I'd be so much stronger, so tough
I'd not fall to pieces
when things became rough
I'd not let the tears flow
over small insignificant transgressions
I'd not loose my temper
over paranoid obsessions
so, now as I wait
for his heart to heal
I try so very hard
to just ignore what I feel
To wait for him to come to me
instead of the other way 'round
because it's so difficult
when a soul mate I've found
I hope he still loves me
as he knows I love him
and I hope with a new year
a stronger relationship will begin
...I miss you kitty.
|Monday, December 25th, 2006|
|Freak of nature.
it's Christmas eve, and I feel I should be happy...but I feel I have so little reason to be.
I know I have people who love me, I know I have those who're thinking of me...but at the same time, I know I
have those who I have hurt, those whose trust I have broken, and those who just...have written me off as an absolute freak of nature,
a lunatic, a hysterical psychopath...and they're right, they're all right.
I ruined anything good I have going on in my life, with my own insecurities and paranoia.
Everyones out tog et me I think, everyones out to hurt me. I know I had a rough
childhood, where everyone did abuse my trust, where I was teased and mocked for my appearance...
but the time has long since passed where I can use that as a crutch. I currently am getting help
but it seems to be doing me little good, I'm still the same horrible person, least...I am to some people.
Hoe can I expect to have a real, meaningful relationship with anybody, if I keep ruining so many of them...
I've been dropped by at least five to six people, all with comments of 'freak of nature' and 'you need help', along with the stinging words
of one person in particular, a local Rochester fur, who just said I was basically mentally insane...only, taking many, many...many many paragraphs to do it.
so...now, when I want to be watching Christmas movies, and making things, I'm curled up on the floor, crying hysterically...wondering if I'll ever get better, wondering if I'll ever be
able to control myself, and stop being so selfish, and paranoid, and horrible...and just a freak.
I just want to die here, I really do, I just want to. But I know I'm too cowardly to do it, much as I like to make threats to sound dramatic, attention starved at that particular time, or just trying to make someone feel bad
it's all a load of absolute shit, which I'm full of. And another thing, who am I to bitch about people being able to afford Wii? So
they're not whinny little baby's who quite a job after only three days because, oh...the people aren't nice!
Well boo hoo, that's life, and I should've kept going in, getting treated like crap, because it's what I deserve...I deserve to be treated like garbage, god knows I've treated other people enough
to deserve that.
I love you all, even if some of you reading this, may not love me...or may even hate me by now.
I just...want you to have a Merry Christmas, as much as I want to be with some of you right now...one person in particular, I can't
I can't risk hurting anymore people, I can't risk being told I'm a horrible psycho who's in desperate need of help, even if it's true...
I can't, please forgive me...but I can't...I can't do it, I'm sorry...I can't log on anymore, I can't be online anymore...it hurts too much.
It's too easy for me to be something I'm not...I'm not a raving lunatic who snaps at people, I'm a shy quiet person who'd sooner be beaten to a bloody pup then ever raise his voice to another.
But no one gets to see that side, they only get to see my thoughts, my thoughts that run away and end up hurting people. I don't want anyone seeing that person anymore...that's not me...nobody will ever get to see the real me, because the online me keeps fucking everything up.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry....
Forgive me... Current Mood: sick
|Monday, December 18th, 2006|
|Gah, my face is gonna explode...
Well, I guess it's time for an update on how I am, with the job and...well everything.
Not sure ho to start, you'll have to forgive me as my sinuses are really bothering me this morning, having a hard time concentrating. If I didn't know better I'd swear the meds the doctor prescribe me the second time I had to see here about this stupid problem were only making it worse, as my whole face feels horrible...
But anyway, my griping aside, I'm very sorry to report the job didn't work out for me. I was putting off saying anything about this for fear of disappointing everyone, because, well...everyone seemed to happy for me. But due to the hours, and the people being utterly wretched to me (I was near tears at least one night but I'm a fragile crybaby what can I say :-p) I just couldn't see sticking with it. Plus I was getting in my old habit of snapping at people left and right and I didn't want to go through all THAT again, so...anyway I left, and actually been feeling quite better (well, with the exception of these sinuses, jeez...feels like there's a boulder on my entire face.) But...a little sad as I won't have as much money as I was hoping for for Christmas. Oh well...fourth one in a row I've been broke I'm getting kind of used to it.
In other news, all my Christmas cards are just about sent, all on their way, hoping they arrive before Christmas. I think I sent well over 30 to various furs I know well, and others that I don't really know at all but who wanted a card anyway, heh. So I thought, well hey, it's Christmas, I got a box of over 32 cards...several actually, cards for everybody! In each card I attempted to try and draw the persons fursona, or if they didn't have one (or I was just feeling lazy the time I was doing the card) I drew Boz. Some of the later cards even have hand painted water color images...I was feeling creative that night, so I hope the earlier card recipients won't feel stiffed. I don't think I've ever sent out so many cards in all my life, maybe one or two tops, but mostly for associates, never friends so...anyway, despite being congested half the time that was a lot of fun. I've gotten 5 in return so far which I'm really over the moon about, as I was only expecting maybe one or two returned tops.
This Christmas hasn't bee too bad, it's gone better then last year despite all the sinus troubles, as then in '05 I was dealing with a lot of upper back problems. I still am now but they're no big concern these days, just a mild annoyance now and then. Last night I went to a whole uh...hm, how to describe this, well a Christmas activity with my former supervisor at the library I used to work. It was a museum of sorts, but not a regular one, it was a museum of old houses in and old village type setting, with real buildings dating back from the 18th and 19th century. Very cool...well, for lame furs like me who're interested in that type of crap. Anyway, they had actors in various houses and shops playing out scenes from the era before, during, and after the civil war. Was quite good, i can remember we went to this in '04 as well and the acting was horrid. I want to give the people credit I know they were trying, but...ugh, it was so forced, it sounded like they were reading from a book in school that they found really dull and were feigning enthusiasm about it. This year wasn't like that, very realistic...
I haven't one much else in Christmas activities, haven't been into watching those Christmas videos as much as I normally am, I find myself just watching 'Mystery Science Theater' all the time...hehe, I must have watched 'red zone cuba' at least 50 times and I still laugh when crow comments after one of the actors who says “we must not be caught on the beach...” then crow adds, in a very gay voice “...especially with my thighs” I just laugh and laugh...I love that show, wish I could afford some of the dvds, my videos are getting so worn the sounds all warbled.
Anyway, I think that's it for updates until after Christmas, I'll certainly be back bitching about how little I received again (mom spoiled me way back in the Christmas of '95, and I still haven't gotten over how minuscule my hauls have been since then...)
Yes I'm a spoiled brat among many other things, I admit it.
Anyway, if I don't talk to you before the big day, Merry Christmas all.
All my love
-Da Boz Current Mood: okay
|Monday, December 11th, 2006|
|So sick of you
*sighs softly* I let my anger get the better of me again, as I've been very stressed lately, between a job I'm starting, which is a bit longer hours I'm used too, so much paper work and meetings all amounting to absolutely nothing, and the loss of the health insurance that I'd somehow miraculously gotten (the only good thing that came out of maybe the 10 things I applied for this past summer regarding my emotional and physical needs) I'm just, slowly crumbling lately. I try not to let it show, but it's been eating at me more often then usual, and I'm far more sensitive, quick to assume and bothered by things that I would normally be very understanding about.
I just don't know what to do...I don't want everyone to hate me, I'm working on getting on some meds but...god, I can't throw pills at this and think it magically fix everything. I just don't know what else to do! Any other options I have aren't working out, and it's not like I can move anytime soon. God I'm so lonely...I wish furs nearby would at least talk to me, they all hate me too, everyone around here hates me. They never talk to me, I wish I lived someplace where the furs would like me...they all seem to live in Florida.
Anyway...*deep breath, trying not to cry* I wrote this poem shortly after reading a friends journal and...well it speaks for itself.
I just want to get away from here...someone just take me away from here...please...
You've hurt another feeling
your last I hope to say
you're terrible and unthinking
were you simply born that way?
Or was it imprinted into you
through abuse lies and deceptions
Or are you just mad at the world
and its many misconceptions
You're heartless and unfeeling
I wonder if you even own a soul
so often you blame your actions
on your lack of self control
Well, other people hurt too, you know
other people feel the pain
but you don't see them throwing fits
don't see them break under the strain
and so I tell you now
what I've said so much before
you can't go on this way
they can't take it anymore
Can't take your assumptions and anger
and the words you choose to use
and if you haven't guessed it already
I'm just so sick of you
I'd kill you if you could
Rid the word of your disease
You're no good for anyone out there
Here or across the seas
You've nothing good to offer
You're full of bitterness and spite
Resentment, hatred and jealousy
I could go on into the night
But in case you are still wondering
who the person I'm referring to could be
The person I'm so sick of
Is the angry side of me
Go back into your corner
Go to hell for all I care
Find a pit to throw yourself into
you've nothing good to share
go and take a long journey
to a place forgotten by time
you've nothing of value to give
it's time I leave you far behind
Take insecurity and doubts with you
paranoia and the blues
because you useless lot of emotions
I'm so damn sick of you. Current Mood: guilty
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
Sometimes I'm feeling lonely
emptiness consumes my soul
and as the tears spill down my face
I simply lose control
I turn to those I love
little comfort do I find
though I know they try and give it
I'm still lonely in my mind
I find it hard not to get angry
at the world and the people nearby
yet when I push them away
I can only hate myself and cry
I give so much to everyone
as much as I have to spare
yet only a very small number
ever seems to care
I know you get depressed
I know you feel sad too
yet it should mean something
when I say that I love you
I try so hard to comfort you
so little it appears to mean
sometimes I just have to get away
before I start to scream
I'm always just an irritation
a thorn in everyones side
I simply can not face it
that's why I choose to hide...
and cry...and worry...and love you...and miss you
So little it appears to mean
I just can't help but scream. Current Mood: depressed
|Thursday, November 30th, 2006|
I'm having a really bad couple of days, and after a morning that just went horrendously I need to rant, so be forewarned
God where to start, well first, I HATE my computer, it's a lousy piece of festering CRAP that never works properly. Took me a half an hour just to get on line this morning. And it's infected with spy ware out the wazoo, pop-ups everywhere, this freaking winantivirus piece of SHIT spyware has been harassing me for well over a year, continually prompting me at least 5 times a day to download its software. Even if I press cancel it STILL tries to download the crap. I've tried everything to get rid of it, NOTHING catches it. The damn thing is impossible to get rid of, and I don't have any money to have my computer looked at and get a professional to rid me of the damn thing. My parents won't pay for it either, apparently since they don't use the computer as often as I do to list auctions to sell off their stupid crap then it's not an issue for them and thereby not important.
And while we're on the subject of parents, I really HATE mine sometimes. So damned inconsiderate, every time I go off the computer for just one second, my mom swoops down like a bloody vulture to hop on line. God I'm getting so fed up with this, it's so rude and thoughtless, she could at least ASK before she barged on when I'm in the middle of talking with my friends. Then I have to wait like several hours or kick her off, just to explain what a loser I am to my friends by revealing that I sill live with my parents. God it's so embarrassing, sometimes I think I'm going to drop dead of shame...
Next there's my job coach, I'm beginning to loath her as well, she's stressing me out something awful. She used to be so nice and understanding, but after a year of looking for work for her with little luck, I think she's starting to blame me because of it. I am so SICK of that, you know that's another thing that's really pissing me off, nearly everyone around me is making me feel so inadequate, like I'm not trying hard enough. Oh I'm NEVER trying hard enough am I? Nothing I ever do is every satisfying for the people in my life, I'm just about ready to stop even bothering with her and go back to looking for work by myself because I had as much luck without her as I am with her, so it would make absolutely no difference at all.
Another thing that's making me angry about her is she tries and pushes me into all these damn 'programs', 'groups' and what not. Shoving me towards people with problems similar to mine...and I've gone along with it most of the time, filling out all the horrible never ending paperwork. You know what comes of it? NOTHING. I must have applied for at least ten different things over the past few years and NOTHING ever came of it. Now she wants me to try something else yet again, and I so wanted to just tell her to fuck off with it. Say how much I HAVE been trying, I'm doing my damn part, signing my name 'till my skin is raw, it's everyone else who seems to fail in some way. Some paperwork gets lost, someone doesn't had it in to the right person, and she just expects me to continually put up with that...hell no, screw you, I'm done with your damn useless system. Either fix it up and get back to me or just leave me the hell alone with all these damn programs.
No offense to local Rochester furs, but I fucking hate this city...*spits on it*
Next, kids...yes, you heard me, KIDS, how the hell did they get into this mix you ask, I'll tell you. They have no god damn respect, any shred of it they had has been totally stomped on an destroyed by parents who let them get away with murder and pacify their every want and desire by buying them whatever the hell they want. They don't discipline them, if I was their age I NEVER would've gotten away with the things they do, why I remember once I swore at my dad after he said 'fuck you' to me and my mom. Well I said it right back, and I'll never forget how much he hit me...but ever since then I've never sworn to him again, that's what kids today need, they need a good smack across the damn face. I'd do it myself if I wasn't afraid of getting sued by this 'sue-happy' society of ours, when the hell did people get so damned sensitive about everything?! I'm just so sick of it, can't even go outside and walk the dog without a bunch of young teens, pimples on the ass crack of society shouting things at me. That's what happened yesterday that sort of prompted this rant, you think it'd penetrate their thick skulls when I'm just ignoring the asswipes but they never shut the fuck up. God damn retarded morons...just gave them the finger and walked on.
Huuuh...*the tiger pants a little* I'm starting to run out of steam, forgetting what else I wanted to rant about. I guess another thing that's been bothering me is just...people lately. I get so many mixed messages, and I'll admit, I'm a bit slow with a learning disability, and even when it comes to the point of admitting that it's never a good enough explanation. People seem to always tell me one thing, but mean another...it's been that way my whole life. Not to be melodramatic but it really has, people always leaving me when something better comes along, when something more convenient comes along. I hate it, I just hate it. I've grown a lot this past year and I thought it'd make a big difference but it really hasn't, I thought changing myself would change people around me but it hasn't. I'm the same freaking person who's only good for Art and RP...
I know of only, maybe a handful of people who see me as anything more, who actually take the time to prove it and spend time with me. So...I really hope they won't think this entry, or anything contained in it is aimed at them *coughs*WOLFGANG*coughs*
In closing, here's some mini-rants
I got wind a certain fellow artist thought I was stalking him...an artist who, sadly, is one of the nastiest and most viciously inconsiderate jerk offs I've ever met (and I've met a lot of such people believe you me.) I was insulted at the very idea anyone would think that of me, If I was even the type of person to stalk someone I wouldn't even contemplate pouring time and effort into making it a person who's such an asshole. Though the very idea that he could be so vain is kind of amusing...so, I'm both insulted and amused at that.
There's a person always bitching about his job, yet bragging about his purchases that's really getting on my nerves. He may or may not know who he is, I don't really care, all I know is he made some nasty entries in my journal once, that I'm still upset over. Never once said he was sorry, not once, I think I apologized to him though...god he's such an ass, so sick of him pretending to be a friend of mine. If he hates me so much why doesn't he just say so and leave me alone.
Youtube video posts...yea, stop posting those please, person who can't afford a faster connection getting sick of his friends page taking an hour to download all the time here.
Mate pictures on FA...somehow I still hate those, make them go away please, and get a room.
*finally out of steams, the big burly tiger collapses, panting, and fanning himself with his tongue rolled out* ugh...my apologies to anyone who may have found this offensive, or to long to read, but this stuffs been building on me for days and I really needed to get it out before December hits, and I'd probably hold it all in for the most part.
Gee I'm hungry...*lumbers off to get something to nibble on* Current Mood: enraged
|Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006|
|Light Display Hell!
Keeping things moving along, I thought I'd loosen the mood with a poem I came up with which best describes what I've been doing lately (aside from the usual :-P)
It started a week ago, I dug them out of their box
I stacked them all neatly, crafty as a fox
I got to work testing them, making sure each set lit
and when they weren't working, I'd throw such a fit
I'd go through each bloody bulb, until I was done
the bad bulb being, always the last one
I'd go on for hours, until each bulb glowed bright
and if the strings were tangled, well that's a whole other fight...
In case you're wondering
if you don't already know
I'm speaking of light sets
light sets for a show
I string them up on everything
decorate every twig
I don't really have to
it's just my gig
I really like Christmas
and decorations too
yet when I get to the 100th bad light set
I wish I was a Jew...
Speaking of Religion, I just had to remark
about the light up nativity, I got on sale at Wal-Mart!
What better way to pay homage, to our lord Jesus Christ
then blinding your neighbors, with white icicle lights!
Not to mention blo-mold snowmen, and those motion lights too
I got everything you can imagine, in my decorations crew
Oh did I mention, I decorate the backyard as well?
With reindeer's and wire trees, It's a light display hell!
I'm not really crazy
least I tell myself that...
I just love to put up stuff
I'm a decorations brat
sure I have tons of spare light sets
that I never use
But I'll need them someday!
When I'm a hundred and two...
Sure, I go a little nuts
When I string lights one the neighbors tree
But I can if I want to!
Half is on my property!
So though it's not even thanksgiving, some light sets all already on
Yes I'm running around like mad, putting stuff on our lawn
hammering stakes in for the snowmen, finding the best spot
so I can admire them all serenely, as they make the grass rot.
And when it comes time to take it all down, maybe I get a little sad
maybe I leave a few things up 'till March, is that really so bad?
I just love Christmas, wish it lasted all year
But with the electric bill mounting, we'd end up penniless I fear...
I'll be sure to stop traffic
or at least make it slow down
and making everyone on my track wish
that I wasn't around!
I'll be one of those people
you've been told about
with that gaudy light display
with stuff they'd like to throw out!
I'll be sure to take pictures
to bring you some holiday cheer
and to remind myself...
to outdo what I did last year! Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2006|
I didn't want to back peddle on feeling a bit better after the few hard weeks I've had, wanted to go on feeling good. But truth be told, I felt rather depressed this morning in light of everything that's happened recently. Even learning what a thoughtless and manipulative person the one who I felt so strongly for was from someone else who he hurt didn't soothe away my depression over this as much as I thought it had originally. But rather then posting another long sad journal, which I'm getting rather tired of (as I'm sure you all are too) I composed this poem. When I came to the end, which just seemed to flow naturally, I felt a lot better again.
*The tiger timidly holds up the poem, before lumbering off to go and talk with some people to get his mind off things.*
A cold dark chill starts to creep up my spine
like a specter, a phantom, you enter my mind
I didn't give you invitation, didn't seek your memory out
but you came none the less, instilling such doubt
Did I do right by you, could I have done better?
I've done wrong before, I've said so in letters
I still blame myself, why else could it be?
When I loved you so much, how could you leave me?
I don't want to think of you, no thoughts in me to linger
But you've enthralled my attention, I'm wrapped around your finger
and though I know it's over, known it for awhile
I still long for days past, when you made me smile
You left people before me, so I'm not the first
And though this is the truth, I still feel the worst
You cheated on those who loved you, tore their insides out
how could you be so heartless, such an unfeeling lout?
Why would you go back to someone who treats you like trash
when you had those already who treated you like fine china glass
I thought you were my soul mate, others felt it too
what inspires you to be so callouse, who put this need into you?
So now I go day to day, seeking comfort in those who I love
trying to get over the belief, that you were sent from above
Trying no to break down and cry, for one I held so close
trying to ignore the pain, pain of your memories ghost
Though I know in my heart, you yourself are hurting too
you brought about your own pain, I feel no sorrow for you
You'll be a lonesome creature, filled taut with despair
when you run out of bedmates, and people who pretend that they care
Those who truly love you forgotten, in the light of your lust
As you shatter their dreams, as you derail their trust
Soon, you'll have neither, no love or friend to dispose
And you'll decay by yourself, like a forgotten rose Current Mood: indifferent
|Sunday, November 19th, 2006|
I felt the need to get this out...
I knew I had said that I wished to remain happy, but I wanted to get this out before I can go on, and focus on everything I'd been ignoring for so long. My happiness, being one of them.
My odd and rather dramatic behavior has been due to feelings I had for someone who I believed to be my soul mate. Someone...who I've gotten more closer to then anyone else in my life. Someone who I trusted with my feelings, my fragile, battered and bruised heart, when it had already been kicked around not but a few weeks before I met him.
He seemed to need me, and I was more then happy to be there, comforting him, finding in him a kindred spirit, someone I could share my pain with, someone who be there for me. I was so blinded by my feelings, I neglected a lot of things in my life, I...avoided my friends, I could only think about him.
I loved him.
He was was having trouble with his boyfriend, and my heart wept for him, wondering how such a gentle and soft person could ever be treated so badly. I filled in the gap that his mate and friends left in his life, friends who made themselves scarce whenever he was feeling blue...or, least that's what I was told.
I don't want to make it sound like I think he's lying, but I've been lied too and deceived to so often in my life it will sound that way, so forgive me if it does, it's just a force of habit.
Anyway, as time went on, and I logged on nearly ever day to see how he was doing, we became closer. Through pictures and poetry which poured out from my very soul, I was there for him. I knew not how to say I loved him better then these ways, and oddly enough they seemed to work. We fell in love, finding we had everything from hobbies to fursuits to fantasys to even something as unlikely the same dream home in common! He told me he was leaving his boyfriend, and he and I made plans to meet next year in February. We talked of a life together even beyond that but...it wasn't meant to be.
I should've realized, given all the fantasys and dreams I've shared with people that have never come true before this, that these wouldn't come to pass either. But, well I was so much in love was blinded by it, and he'd earned my trust, something that's so very hard for me to give to anyone these days...he just took it, crumpled up into a ball, and threw it away.
I was patient and compassionate and caring when he needed me to be. But...when I needed that, when I needed emotional support, he barely ever gave it. He would just go quiet, leaving me to cry, making me feel terrible about feeling depressed. He basically made it seem like it was all right for him to feel sad, but it was not acceptable for me to feel that way. So...I either had to just deal with the silence, or force a smile on my face and go on as if everything was fine.
Am I guiltless of anything going wrong in this relationship? No...no, I got so upset at one point, I threatened to do away with myself. I bombarded him with messages when he wouldn't reply to me, desperately asking that he talk. That can get rather bothersome at some point. Maybe I could've been more understanding about him wanting to remain with his boyfriend after saying he wanted to be with me, saying he wouldn't leave me. I could've just...smiled and taken it, like I took everything else in silent suffering. But something snapped in me when I realized I didn't deserve this, I deserved better. A soul mate wouldn't treat me this way, hell a friend wouldn't treat me this way.
So...now, though it's hard, and I'm hurting, I have to get accustomed to the realization he never loved me as I wanted to be loved. I...have to get over being without someone I shared so much with, but who was lacking the one thing, I so desperately needed most of all in a friend...in a lover
I'm sorry I have acted so...oddly the past couple of days. Nothing really excuses me, nothing excuses me from neglecting you all, my real friends, my real loved ones. I hope you can find a way to forgive me...again. I'm sorry that I've been this way, sorry that I let myself suffer from a severe case of tunnel vision. Why should I linger so much on one person who barely cares about me...when I have countless others who do to shower with attention? I'm sorry I forgot that.
All my love
Da Boz Current Mood: rejected
|Saturday, November 18th, 2006|
|Shut upa you face
Enough with the sad things...
*kicks the sad Tiger the hell off his journal, as the springy happy Boz takes his place*
Yea talk about a mood swing, but heck being dramatic ain't getting me anywhere, and I know you'll appreciate a good old fashioned happy post!
So what's the good word you ask...
Well, things will be good, Christmas is coming! I got all the lights done for the front yard, we're doing an all blue theme this year which I'm actually quite excited about. Which goes to show you just how much of a life I'm lacking! Ehehehee...
Still looking for a job naturally, hopefully find SOMETHING, getting kind of sick of mom constantly mentioning places. Only because she has the unfortunate habit of mentioning places only a gerbil hocked up on illegal drugs would be interested in.
...yea I applied at those places.
Where was I...damn got distracted talking to someone...okay, OH! *snaps his pawfinger* I would like to do a Christmas card list, IE, I'd like to send out Christmas cards to anyone interested who's reading this journal. Now...I know it's asking alot to trust someone with something as personal as your address, but as a sign of faith I'd send mine along too (just in the vain hope maybe I'd get a Christmas card back *winks*) I was planning on announcing this to FA as well, but I'm giving you guys, the ones who deal with far more of my crap, first dibs.
Finally...thank you all for sticking by me, I'm not sure what happened, but I feel better. I think it was a talk I had with Nilo that sort of snapped me out of my hysterical panicked mode, he helped me put everything in perspective. As well as did alot of your in replies to my last journal, thank you very much.
All my love
-Da Boz Current Mood: determined
|Thursday, November 16th, 2006|
|Screaming and crying
I wish I knew how to start this, wish I knew what to say, how can I say everything on my mind to you, how can I put it into words.
I am worthless
never in my life, and admittedly I've felt it a lot, have I ever felt so unwanted, so useless, so insignificant and worthless. I have no use in life, I have no reason for being here...all I do is make people feel bad, all I do is chase people away, make them hate me, as they should...everyone should hate me, it's easier then putting up with me for any amount of time. Just cut out the middle man and hate me, just like everyone used to do at school. Never bothered to get to know me, just hated me, that's how life should be for me.
Oh he's being hard on himself again, that's what you may be thinking. Truth is I'm not being nearly hard enough on myself, and I'll tell you why.
I'm too damn sensitive, if one or two people could put up with that I'd not think twice about it, but nobody can. If I admit to being hurt, I'm scolded, yelled at, attacked, and shut out...don't admit you're sad, don't admit you're hurting, that's rule one.
Rule two is just give people what they want, don't hold back on anything, even if it scares you, makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't matter. If you have a shot at being with someone you just give him what he wants. Even if he ignores you at parties, yells at you in the car, calls you names, disappoints you in every way humanly possible...it's better then being alone, I should've stayed where I was, now no one else will desire me.
I'm tired, so tired, I'm myself, but nobody wants that person, nobody wants all the emotional baggage that comes with knowing me. If you still think I'm being too hard on myself, try talking to the people who've gotten sick of me, if I can't change you're mind they certainly can. I could spend an eternity listing the names of people who I've chased away, never meaning to, never wanting to...
I hate being alone, I hate it...no one wants me, I don't care what anyone says, I know the truth, I know what's real. Nobody wants to listen to me unless I pay them a large amount of money, and right now I don't have it...I don't have it.
I don't have anything worthwhile to give anybody.
Yes...doppleganger I broke another promise, seems I break everything...promises, friendships, hearts, trust...I'm horrible, I agree with you and Deltavious, and everyone else who must think it...half of them are probably reading this and shaking their heads, adding up all the issues I must have in their heads.
Why does everyone hate me...why does everyone hurt me...I let them, it's my own fault, it has to be. Everyone else is getting along so wonderfully with people in their lives, it's because I'm so fucked up nobody can stand me, not even people with the same interests. It's all my fault, it's always my fault, it's always been my fault, i know it is...i deserve everything I get, i know I do.
*With nothing more to say he gets down on his knees, screaming as the tears pour down his face. His body trembling his lays on the ground, screaming and crying, screaming and crying...*
|Sunday, November 5th, 2006|
|you might have been curious
I feel I should update this with something...though I've had little ambition to speak much on here since my last journal. One which I have to apologize for if I haven't already...I am very sorry about it. Hopefully that'll be the last time I make a journal like that.
Yes, it will be.
What to say about the past couple of weeks, what to say...I guess the big news right now is I'm gearing up for Christmas, I always get rather excited about that holiday. I put up quite a few trees in my room, and decorate them all. Snowmen, Lights, garlands...my room becomes a virtual wonderland for Christmas. It takes a lot of work though and I'm thinking of simplifying it a bit this year since, well believe it or not it usually takes me all of January to take everything down in the house since I do all the decorating.
To give you a good idea of the enormity of what I do I'll show you some pics from last year sometime this month, I just feel too lazy to resize and upload them right now.
The job search carries on, been filling out applications like madtiger, trying to get that holiday job. So far no luck, and I'm really hoping to find one so I can save up for some trips I'd like to take. Or, one particular trip I'd like to take anyway *purrs, swishing his tail hopefully* I've found that this year, I've lost a lot of interest in material things. I love to collect action figures and plushie and...well TONS of stuff, but I think what I want most now is to get out there and meet people. To just have friends beyond messenger windows, and I will. If it means selling a good portion of my collections, that's fine. Possessions are replaceable, besides, if I'm ever too move to find a better economy for work it's the only way I can really do it.
Lately I haven't been feeling much like talking on messenger though, with the exception of a few very special people, or person rather. I kind of miss being in the mood to talk to folks, but lately it's just gotten so hard to hide what I'm really feeling from some people. And the last thing I want to do is burden people with my woes if I can't find the strength to push them aside. Besides, around this time of year I always become absent, focusing on holiday stuffs. I'll also be rather absent from FA too, getting kind of tired of stuff I've been putting up with there anyway and I need a break from it. I won't go into a whole rant about it because there's no point, and I don't really feel like it, but I probably won't be as active there until sometime next year.
Well folks, that's it for now really, just spending this weekend taking down more Halloween junk and, well doing tiger-ish things. Heh, you all take care folks
*big tiger hugs all around, purring pleasantly*
I love being a tiger so damn much...on a lighter note, do you realize how much more frisky I am lately? Damn, this fursona fits me like a very snug and arousing speedo...
-Boz Current Mood: loved
|Wednesday, October 25th, 2006|
I have to go now.
I won't make a big speech...
For the past five years, I have discovered that I can't be loved, or wanted, or fit in anywhere.
I have tried hard, and I have failed hard.
I won't risk losing anymore loved ones or friends, or push anymore people away with my clingy behavior.
This is the end.
Remember me fondly
|Wednesday, October 11th, 2006|
|If only he could say things in fewer words
Depression isn't fun...
I think this is without a doubt, the worst bout of depression I've ever had in my life. And of course, constant bad occurrences in life hasn't helped much. talking to people on line has helped me a little to forget what's bothering me, and even if i am still upset I rarely will ever vocalize it. It's easier to pretend to be happy then it is being truthful about feeling like utter crap, so if you want to know how I'm truly feeling half the time, well, this is the place.
I'll start by reporting my week started out rather good, after a stressful Sunday night I woke up the next morning feeling just as sick, but after time I managed to calm down. It was a very warm day so I took several walks, and even managed to set up the Halloween stuff outdoors. When I'm feeling a little better I'll post some pics up of it. Unfortunately though, Mondays cheers as well as its warm weather didn't carry on onto Tuesday. Tuesday was in a word, very hard, and if it wasn't for keeping myself busy doing some pictures for a very dear friend I think I just would've broken down several times.
Being back more frequently on FA is already beginning to wear me down again though, I like all the interest show in my fursonas but other stuff around there just really gnaws at me. For instance, the fact that I like had done at least 15 of those 'survey' questionnaires, and maybe only three people bothered to reply to my comments. Makes me wonder why I bothered spending all that time and care into them if the person who I was doing it for wasn't really interested in what I had to say. I'm just sick of being ignored by people around there, people I try to make friends with. I've been the best person I know how to be and they still don't want anything to do with me. Makes me wonder why I bother, if my kind self can't even make any new friends what's the point of trying. I'm beginning to wonder why I post anything on there anyway...But I wouldn't say that there, nor will I, as everyone will just label me as a whinny little prick. Maybe I am, oh, I know I am I guess. I wish I didn't care about being ignored all the time by some of these people but it does bother me, I take it very personally.
The Job search hasn't been going that well either, and my Job coach has been somewhat short with me as of late. She didn't like the idea of me moving at all, said I should stay around Rochester. I told her truthfully that I don't like this area, I don't like its weather, I don't like its lack of jobs, and...well i hate everything about living here, though I tried to be polite about it, seeing on how she works here and all. She said I haven't been trying hard enough to find work lately, that i need to make reasons to stay here. That upset me very much, I've been busting my ass to find work, even when we're not meeting I'm always looking. And it's gotten very hard because of the depression because i don't even want to bother, what with the rotten luck I've had. Frankly I'm almost tempted to go out on it alone again, I don't even want to see her after our last meeting. I've been seeing her for a year and the best thing I found under her wing was a job that lasted barely two months since it was seasonal.
This is no way to make a living, I just want to move. I want to find a fur with some space to spare anywhere in this country and just pack up and move. I don't care about leaving behind my stuff anymore, I don't care about possessions anymore. I want to be able to afford to go out and meet people, to make friends, to be around folks more often. I just don't believe anymore that I'll be able to do that here. I'm a hard worker, I always have been, I'm passionate about what I do...I need to be someplace where that actually still MEANS something, and Rochester, NY isn't that place. It hasn't been for a very long time.
Finally, in regards to the Furfright trip I'm considering not even going, seems too much of a hassle to bother with, and I really don't know if I'd have enough money to sustain me for the few days it's on. I know a lot of folks would probably help me out but...well, I hate being a charity case. I'm sure people ten times more broke then I are perfectly happy not doing anything at all and staying home most of the time. I just don't know, given my situation if I'd ever be able to pay these people back. I want to go, I want to so badly but...I just don't know. Is it even worth it, I mean, what kind of impression will I make on people? Will they like me? Will they think I'm a snob if I'm too shy? Why would anyone in their right mind want to hang around with me anyway? Not to question some peoples sanity, heh, I just really wonder sometimes. But...we'll see, I have to talk to a local fur some more about it if I haven't scared him off yet with my odd behavior.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is turning out to be so long, just woke up feeling rather crummy and needed to vent. All my mornings have been that way, and it takes a lot of hard work to just get out of bed and hope some small thing that will occur during the day will make getting up worthwhile. Yes, I admit those things do happen, they happen in the people I speak to on line, they happen in the notes and letters I receive. They happen in the walks I take, the pictures I draw, and the books I read. Those may be very trivial joys to most, but to me they're everything. Current Mood: depressed